Here is something I wrote on Monday, July 11th right after finding out about Corban's sickness. It is just my wrestling with what was going on in all of that; God working things out in my heart. I didn't think I would share it at first, but I have had so many conversations about this now that I feel like it would be good to share it. So here it is.
Why?
We often search for the ‘why?’ in everything. I definitely know I do. If we could figure it out, then we could understand it, prevent it, see what we did wrong, and go on. In some cases, this is a good thing. But when it comes to understanding pain and suffering, God’s grace and mercy, these are waters that are too deep and complex to analyze as if we could figure out God’s motives in the tenderest happenings in our lives. We are ill fit to understand the mind of God or comprehend his meaning behind the events in our lives and others.
We believe lies that appear to be truth for our situations and try to make them applicable to all situations. For example, in my life, 2 years ago I was engaged to be married and then it ended after 5 months. I learned so much through this experience that was excruciatingly painful. I learned about my idolatry of marriage, my need for control (for the millionth time!) and the lust that still existed in my heart that I thought was gone. It was a mercy that I didn’t get married at that time. But it would be too easy for me to believe that because I didn’t see the idolatry in my heart, control, or lust that that was the reason why God didn’t allow it to work out. As if God only gives me good gifts when I’ve got things figured out or have pure motives. What makes me realize that this isn’t true is, when I think about those who did have idolatry issues of marriage in their heart and they didn’t deal with them until 5, 10, 20 years into marriage; those who still have lust issues and are married. More importantly is the fact that we don’t earn God’s blessings or favor. Jesus did that for us so why do I think I will only have blessings when I am righteous (which my righteousness doesn’t even come from me, but Him!?)
So what does that mean? Yes, God did use a painful situation to redeem things in my life and strip me of what was idolatry in my heart, but that doesn’t mean that He inflicted the pain, nor is it a result of something I did. It is a result of living in a broken world that is affected by sin. No one is immune from it; not even little babies. What God uses in one person’s life, he may use differently in someone else’s. There is no rhyme or reason that we can understand. The beauty of grace, mercy, and the gospel of Jesus is I can’t earn it, control it, or really understand it. I just get to receive it and rejoice in a God who loved me so much that he endured my punishment for me because I could never repay back the debt I owed Him for my sin against him.
So in my search for trying to understand why-- especially with Corban being born having Leukemoid reaction and Down syndrome—is just the same. I will never been able to understand why beyond the fact that I live in a broken world and no one is immune from the effects of sin. Babies are not supposed to be born sick. I am grateful for my sweet friends who have validated my anger and hurt I feel at him being born so severely sick. I have feared getting too wrapped up in my anger that I can’t see what is true. At the heart of my anger there is rage that wants to protect this little baby who is defenseless and hurt that this happened, but what really lies behind this is an accusation to God of how dare you let this little baby suffer like this. Are you protecting him? How did you let him be born like this?
What I do know to be true when I calm down and let God’s peace wash over me is that God is good, He weeps more than I could ever weep for this little baby—which has been a lot in the last 24 hours—and that He can protect him better than I can, and that this little baby is His. I love Karla’s prayer last night. She prayed that Nina would know that God is not a baby thief. Everything we have is His and He loves us much more than we do and He wants what is best much more than we do. Though I don’t understand why this happened and why God allowed it, I do know that He has this situation in His hands. He hasn’t checked out and He will do what is best. I am believing for full healing of Corban for the Lord’s glory. And at the same time, if he isn’t healed, I will praise His name through tears and weeping, trusting that God is still good.
7.26.2011
8.29.2010
Today's Musings...Perfectionism Again!
Here are my thoughts captured in a moment I had to myself as I mused on teaching, speaking, and perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a lack of trust and a refusal to let go of your own strength. If I can't say everything I want to say or write and I refuse to write it (because I can't write it the way I want to write it) or I end up forcing it all in, then I am not trusting God that He is enough, that He is sovereign, and that He doesn't need me. I am buying into the lie that I am smarter, wiser, and more important than God and the parameters He put in my life. If He only gives me so long to speak or so much space to write, I got to trust that it was all I needed and is a safety for me and the people I am endeavoring to minister to and that they are His words--not mine--and He can speak whatever He wants to speak to His people.
Perfectionism is a lack of trust and a refusal to let go of your own strength. If I can't say everything I want to say or write and I refuse to write it (because I can't write it the way I want to write it) or I end up forcing it all in, then I am not trusting God that He is enough, that He is sovereign, and that He doesn't need me. I am buying into the lie that I am smarter, wiser, and more important than God and the parameters He put in my life. If He only gives me so long to speak or so much space to write, I got to trust that it was all I needed and is a safety for me and the people I am endeavoring to minister to and that they are His words--not mine--and He can speak whatever He wants to speak to His people.
8.13.2010
To Shame
To Shame
How grateful I am for the cross.
Freedom so grand
Purchased at great cost.
Freedom not to purposefully sin,
But freedom from fears grip
Of stumbling again.
Should I stumble again,
I know that I am free
To look shame in the face,
And proclaim “Jesus makes me clean.”
Therefore, in my life you have no place:
To bind my feet
To bind my hands
To bind my lips
Paralyzing me
From the fullness of life
Lovingly given from He.
Who in my place,
The perfect one,
Bore all the wrath
I had won.
The condemnation, the guilt,
The shame was mine.
His righteousness He exchanged
Out of love divine.
The purchased rights to my life
No longer mine.
My feet, hands and lips
A new master they find.
Your accusations of guilt
Can no longer come to me,
But must be answered
By He that redeemed.
To you, I assure you
He’ll simply reply,
The debt has been paid.
This beloved one is mine.
5.10.2010
Perfectionism
What a dreary day outside! I finished my History final and there is such joy in my heart! I feel much lighter as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me. The time I also have feels so much fuller and less stressful. **Sigh** I have waited for the time when I wouldn’t be so stressed about school. This semester has been a huge break through for me. Normally every semester I freak out at this time, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I look at all I have to do and see a huge mountain that is not to be conquered by going over it, but meant to be pushed out of the way. I cannot see the reality that this mountain is really a stack of papers, exams, and projects that only stack as high as 4 feet not a 40,000 foot mountain that I think needs to be pushed out of the way and not sumitted. In my infinite wisdom, I freak out and go into crisis management mode and distribute my time and efforts into damage control. What this looks like is not____ (studying for, writing, completing)____( one final, a paper, project) in order to put the rest of my efforts into the other classes I can finish. This takes me from maintain the A I have up to this point in all my classes to just barely passing all my classes or failing said class that got trashed to the side to save the rest.
But this semester I hit crisis mode early on right before Spring Break. I had a week and a half where I had some major project, presentation, test, meeting, or paper due every stinkin’ day. By the end of the week and a half, I was as nutty as peanut butter. I wore myopic lenses only able to see minute details and as a result, spent hours upon hours on details for my German presentation that were not necessary, but bent on being perfect and found without fault, i.e. shame. I was stuck in the insanity cycle of perfection and control and couldn’t get out of it to save my life. I was having panic attacks and bouts of depression and wound so tight you could pop me with a dull object. Familiar with this scenario and knowing historically how clueless I had been to understand this phenomenon, I stopped and took a good look at what was going on in my heart and asked for counsel from friends, and of course, the good old Holy Spirit had a lot to say to me on this issue as well. I realized that I had been vainly putting all my hope and effort into school to derive my identity. This was not conscious, but rather facts I was believing about myself coming to the surface, warring with reality. It is not that I thought my life would end if I did not do well on a test/ class and get an A, but rather I felt I am not stupid and should be making A’s regardless of circumstances and life because I am untouchable as superwoman you know, and therefore, if I don’t achieve near perfection on these tests/papers, I am completely shaken up.
The fear of not doing well is what keeps me from doing them in the first place, paralyzing me from even making an effort. The problem with this is an inability to see the gospel in my circumstances. I am NOT perfect and am not immune to life and circumstances so why do I think I am the one exception and can overcome anything that comes my way? I cannot justify myself by academia and it does not define me. Christ doesn’t need my credentials in my diploma to use me. He is God in heaven and does whatever He pleases with whomever. I, in my flesh, demand that I perform to a very high standard and am mad if I don’t meet it, and yet Christ does not put this restriction on me and is not upset with me when I fall short of it. He definitely asks me to do my best, but perfection is not my best. That is idolatry of myself and not wanting to need Christ in ALL things. I also realized that all my schooling has never been in attempts to glorify Christ, but rather to glorify myself. I felt like I was the one busting my hump to learn all these languages, trying to comprehend them and studying till the wee hours of the evening. Shouldn’t I get the credit for this? I mean I am the one killing myself for it, right? WRONG. If there is anything that I have done well, I cannot take credit for it because it was given to me as a gift from God to use for His glory and not mine. I am a glory thief and have thieved from God for a long time. The biggest reality check I had was realizing that I had been trying to use school/academia to prove my worth, keep me from needing Christ, and bring praise to myself. Praise God that the Spirit He put in me is jealous and desires all of my heart to be fully His. God thwarted my plans and I am so grateful for it. Grateful that it was way earlier than normal—this is God’s mercy on me because He rightfully could have let me flounder in it for the millionth time. Thankfully, God is merciful and gracious and is ferocious about chasing after my wandering heart. He never gives up on me and loves me so much better than I love Him and others. I am continuously in awe.
**Sigh** I am so relieved to be sitting here in this coffee shop, able to be at peace at the tail end of a long trying semester. He is so good to me :)
But this semester I hit crisis mode early on right before Spring Break. I had a week and a half where I had some major project, presentation, test, meeting, or paper due every stinkin’ day. By the end of the week and a half, I was as nutty as peanut butter. I wore myopic lenses only able to see minute details and as a result, spent hours upon hours on details for my German presentation that were not necessary, but bent on being perfect and found without fault, i.e. shame. I was stuck in the insanity cycle of perfection and control and couldn’t get out of it to save my life. I was having panic attacks and bouts of depression and wound so tight you could pop me with a dull object. Familiar with this scenario and knowing historically how clueless I had been to understand this phenomenon, I stopped and took a good look at what was going on in my heart and asked for counsel from friends, and of course, the good old Holy Spirit had a lot to say to me on this issue as well. I realized that I had been vainly putting all my hope and effort into school to derive my identity. This was not conscious, but rather facts I was believing about myself coming to the surface, warring with reality. It is not that I thought my life would end if I did not do well on a test/ class and get an A, but rather I felt I am not stupid and should be making A’s regardless of circumstances and life because I am untouchable as superwoman you know, and therefore, if I don’t achieve near perfection on these tests/papers, I am completely shaken up.
The fear of not doing well is what keeps me from doing them in the first place, paralyzing me from even making an effort. The problem with this is an inability to see the gospel in my circumstances. I am NOT perfect and am not immune to life and circumstances so why do I think I am the one exception and can overcome anything that comes my way? I cannot justify myself by academia and it does not define me. Christ doesn’t need my credentials in my diploma to use me. He is God in heaven and does whatever He pleases with whomever. I, in my flesh, demand that I perform to a very high standard and am mad if I don’t meet it, and yet Christ does not put this restriction on me and is not upset with me when I fall short of it. He definitely asks me to do my best, but perfection is not my best. That is idolatry of myself and not wanting to need Christ in ALL things. I also realized that all my schooling has never been in attempts to glorify Christ, but rather to glorify myself. I felt like I was the one busting my hump to learn all these languages, trying to comprehend them and studying till the wee hours of the evening. Shouldn’t I get the credit for this? I mean I am the one killing myself for it, right? WRONG. If there is anything that I have done well, I cannot take credit for it because it was given to me as a gift from God to use for His glory and not mine. I am a glory thief and have thieved from God for a long time. The biggest reality check I had was realizing that I had been trying to use school/academia to prove my worth, keep me from needing Christ, and bring praise to myself. Praise God that the Spirit He put in me is jealous and desires all of my heart to be fully His. God thwarted my plans and I am so grateful for it. Grateful that it was way earlier than normal—this is God’s mercy on me because He rightfully could have let me flounder in it for the millionth time. Thankfully, God is merciful and gracious and is ferocious about chasing after my wandering heart. He never gives up on me and loves me so much better than I love Him and others. I am continuously in awe.
**Sigh** I am so relieved to be sitting here in this coffee shop, able to be at peace at the tail end of a long trying semester. He is so good to me :)
12.26.2009
Christmas Feelings
I have so many mixed feelings today.
I am overwhelmed by the light that has come into the world and rescued this soul from the darkness...surprised at the darkness that still prevails around me...inundated by christmas traditions that are fun, but don't give me more of Christ....loving that we had a white Christmas....homesick for Hamburg and Europe as I peruse over pictures from this last year and remember sweet memories of places and friends...but assured that it is only the will of God that brought me back home to Texas...there is no other explanation. I think I will begin to write more about the last year in this blog...
Haven't touched this in a long time. Probably because nobody reads this thing, but I will continue to write now that it isn't overwhelming to me anymore. Maybe a little therapeutic :)
Merry Christmas everyone!
The photo above is the entrance to the Weihnachtsmarkt (Christmas Market) in Hamburg downtown at Gehardt Hauptman Platz. We went Christmas caroling here last year!
5.15.2009
Bella Italia!
Oh, wow. It is only hours away before I leave for Bella Italia. I cannot believe it! It is too surreal to think that I will be in the place that 5 years ago sparked this passion for missions, culture, languages and everything beautiful and passionate! Italy has such a special place in my heart. God began to pull threads here, unraveling my disillusioned world. When I was in Milano I began to think about what it meant to really follow God and what a godly woman looks like. I remember coming back from this trip with this passion to follow God and seek Him out with everything.
Thus started my search for a ministry and on my second day on UNT campus I found the Navigators. Through my interactions with this group a long process began where God would not let me rest in my sinful, mediocre, "good" american life. He ferociously fought for my heart and He still does.
How good, wonderful, and lovely is our Lord! He is so extravagant in His means to pursue my heart. Truly. He has has sent me all over the world just to know Him more deeply and intimately. Nothing is too lavish for Him. I am so overwhelmed as I think about all that God has done for me and how He has pursued me and rescued me from the darkness in my heart. I cannot describe the joy that floods my soul.
How good you are oh Lord! Thank you for this chance to go back to such a special place in my heart. Thank you that you have reminded me of all you have done in my life. You are my King, my God, my Lover who chases after all of me. You are the source of life and I have nothing apart from you. You sustain me and give me unending joy unlike anything I have experienced. I am consumed with you. Wrapped up in you. I am yours.
For those of you praying for this trip, I thank you so much. I will not have contact during the week so I will tell you now what you can pray about. 1) That my heart would be open to hear from God on what He wants for my life 2) Protection from the enemy--Italy has a lot of spiritual warfare here especially with the evangelical church 3) That we would be a blessing to the missionaries and students we meet 4) That God would be glorified in this trip and that we would make the most of His name and not ours.
I love you guys and I thank you so much for sojourning with me.
Love,
Caroline
3.24.2009
Sin
I automatically titled this blog sin without even thinking because it has been such a topic on my mind lately. I have had much on my mind lately--it never rests, and that is the problem. I have been in such a funk since February, a lot of ups and downs. More downs than ups, but trying to hold it all together--there's no time to break down. Isn't that funny? The irony of those words are almost tantalizing with a faint laughter in the background from God. Not that you can tempt him, but when your pride flares up so much to utter words like I don't have time to break down or I don't have time to be sick, it's like waving a big red target sign saying "Please come get me! I need a lesson in humility and I need it now!"
And that is exactly what I have received. I have been sick for the last 5 days with, I think, strep (I saw a sign on the kindergarten door saying "We have strep, watch out"--might have been helpful a week ago when I contracted it from these cute little urchins) So I have been slowed down very much over the last 5 days. I took off work on Thursday and some of Friday. This is huge for me because I felt like I couldn't take off work when I just started only 6 weeks ago. I have realized so many things in this time period. I am not invincible. I break easily. Amazing revelation, I know. But it is true. If it were up to me, I would be running around on a broken leg saying "No problem, it's okay, really I still have one leg I can walk on. I'm fine."
I realized I don't know how to just be still. Even when I was sick, I felt so guilty that I had all this time and I wasn't using it efficiently for good purposes like studying more grammar or reorganizing my room etc. Nuts, I know! I also have been smacked in the face with my perfectionism. I have been believing these lies that I need to be doing well and be on top of my a-game and when I sin I need to immediately confess it and do a,b,c etc and then everything will work out well and my ministry will go well and the participants will be experiencing wholeness and healing and if I am not praying for them and waging war on their behalf and imparting all of God's wisdom to them, then they won't experience all that Christ has for them.---Can anyone see the ludicrousness of this thinking and behavior?? Well for a long time I could not. Praise God that wholeness and healing for the people attending Recovery does not depend on my relationship with God and that He is the one who is sufficient and ultimately responsible for imparting His glory to them and not me! What a relief!
It was made known to me that in my trying to be perfect it had nothing to do with pointing people to God, but pointing people to me and how God has worked in my life. So when things were going wrong, I began to feel exposed and feel like I need to do better because if I struggle then what I am teaching at Recovery about God is a lie because I can't find the sufficiency in Christ myself, therefore it is a farse and not worth the time. So I have been trying to make much of my name and not His. How twisted is that and how did I get there? That something where God has worked gloriously in me and something that was pure and right, turned so wicked so quick. I feel like Peter, but I don't want to be Peter. In the wicked parts of me, I want to be God, to be perfect and not have to be dependent on anyone and I can always be in control at all times. Do you think I might be feeling a bit out of control at the moment??
But thankfully God's grace is available at any moment and I don't have to earn it, but just repent of my wicked ways and accept it. God is so gracious and loving that He makes my heart alive again without demanding perfection. He is perfect and that is enough. He is also loving in that He promises to work on my wicked heart, but this is a lifetime process. Not instant.
Phillipians 2:12b-13 "Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purposes."
I was listening to the podcast from TVC Denton and it was Lan preaching. He made this comment about what was written on Billy Graham's wife's tombstone. "Construction completed. Thanks for your patience."
That really struck a chord with me. We are like this big construction zone the whole time we are here on earth. It is going to be messy, but it is okay. We have been given enough grace to carry us through it and it doesn't mean that we are disqualified to lead others because we don't have it all together. What qualifies us has nothing to do with our performance, but rather our willingness to be used. Period. God is the one who does the work. He has all the power and might. We can't save people. I can't save people. Jesus can save people.
So I confess, I am a complete mess, but maybe you knew that already ;)
And that is exactly what I have received. I have been sick for the last 5 days with, I think, strep (I saw a sign on the kindergarten door saying "We have strep, watch out"--might have been helpful a week ago when I contracted it from these cute little urchins) So I have been slowed down very much over the last 5 days. I took off work on Thursday and some of Friday. This is huge for me because I felt like I couldn't take off work when I just started only 6 weeks ago. I have realized so many things in this time period. I am not invincible. I break easily. Amazing revelation, I know. But it is true. If it were up to me, I would be running around on a broken leg saying "No problem, it's okay, really I still have one leg I can walk on. I'm fine."
I realized I don't know how to just be still. Even when I was sick, I felt so guilty that I had all this time and I wasn't using it efficiently for good purposes like studying more grammar or reorganizing my room etc. Nuts, I know! I also have been smacked in the face with my perfectionism. I have been believing these lies that I need to be doing well and be on top of my a-game and when I sin I need to immediately confess it and do a,b,c etc and then everything will work out well and my ministry will go well and the participants will be experiencing wholeness and healing and if I am not praying for them and waging war on their behalf and imparting all of God's wisdom to them, then they won't experience all that Christ has for them.---Can anyone see the ludicrousness of this thinking and behavior?? Well for a long time I could not. Praise God that wholeness and healing for the people attending Recovery does not depend on my relationship with God and that He is the one who is sufficient and ultimately responsible for imparting His glory to them and not me! What a relief!
It was made known to me that in my trying to be perfect it had nothing to do with pointing people to God, but pointing people to me and how God has worked in my life. So when things were going wrong, I began to feel exposed and feel like I need to do better because if I struggle then what I am teaching at Recovery about God is a lie because I can't find the sufficiency in Christ myself, therefore it is a farse and not worth the time. So I have been trying to make much of my name and not His. How twisted is that and how did I get there? That something where God has worked gloriously in me and something that was pure and right, turned so wicked so quick. I feel like Peter, but I don't want to be Peter. In the wicked parts of me, I want to be God, to be perfect and not have to be dependent on anyone and I can always be in control at all times. Do you think I might be feeling a bit out of control at the moment??
But thankfully God's grace is available at any moment and I don't have to earn it, but just repent of my wicked ways and accept it. God is so gracious and loving that He makes my heart alive again without demanding perfection. He is perfect and that is enough. He is also loving in that He promises to work on my wicked heart, but this is a lifetime process. Not instant.
Phillipians 2:12b-13 "Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purposes."
I was listening to the podcast from TVC Denton and it was Lan preaching. He made this comment about what was written on Billy Graham's wife's tombstone. "Construction completed. Thanks for your patience."
That really struck a chord with me. We are like this big construction zone the whole time we are here on earth. It is going to be messy, but it is okay. We have been given enough grace to carry us through it and it doesn't mean that we are disqualified to lead others because we don't have it all together. What qualifies us has nothing to do with our performance, but rather our willingness to be used. Period. God is the one who does the work. He has all the power and might. We can't save people. I can't save people. Jesus can save people.
So I confess, I am a complete mess, but maybe you knew that already ;)
2.25.2009
Bigger than me
I feel the weight of every day life crushing in on me. I fight to keep on going. This is so much bigger than me and everything inside of me screams "this is too much. You're too little and what you are feebly trying to do is so much bigger than you. You'll never make it on your own." ahhh, and this is where I am.
Lord Jesus, I am so small and I blow away at the slightest brush of the wind. I am crushed by the slightest change in pressure. I cannot go forward without You. I need You to cover me and protect me from all that rains in on me, to make my path clear before I even walk it. I need Your strength to get up and believe I can face my day and the challenges ahead of me because You have already fought them. I need Your righteousness and courage to walk in the holiness that You have called me to. I need Your wisdom and shepherd's heart to lead those You have given me the privilege of leading.
I cannot do it on my own. Please don't let me do it on my own.
I have been quite absent from here for a long time. Life has been so ridiculously busy I don't even know where to begin. As soon as I got back from the states everything was busy again with preparations for the holidays, working, helping out at church etc. In January I began my job hunt for a position as an english teacher which amazingly I got! I am a freelance english teacher and I work for several schools.
So then, I had to get all the paper work done to legally work in Hamburg. Let me tell you, if you have never experienced German bureacracy, I advise you not to unless you hate yourself. I think I may have gray hair coming in due to the stress that accompanies paperwork in Germany. They are waaay more invasive than in the states and ask questions I frankly don't think you are allowed to ask in the states. To get my visa I had to get health insurance. To get health insurance I had to have a visa. Anyone see any flaw in this logic? So not only health insurance, but a tax number so I could get paid (amen!). Oh, but before that, my "work plan" (plan to freelance teaching English) had to be submitted to someone in the arbeits amt (work office) to see if they thought my plan would work and I could earn enough money. Unglaublich! I couldn't believe they had to or could do this. Why do they need to approve of whether they think my plan will work? But this is typical German....It's not that they know everything, they just know everything better ;)
Then I had to look for an apartment. I thought I had one taking over a friend's lease who was getting married, but it didn't work out. Apparently the roomate's girlfriend wasn't so keen on a woman living there, oh well... BUT I did find a wonderful place to live! But more on that later....Then I had to register where I am living. Yes, you have to do that in Germany, you have to let them know where you are living. Crazy, huh?
I started Recovery up again in January in the midst of all this chaos and then I started my new jobs in February. This was total chaos. My first day of teaching with training was 9 hours. My first class was a one on one with a beginner with no previous knowledge of english and I had about an hour to prepare 3 teaching hours with her. Then I had an hour between my next class, which was a 2b business english class (so advanced students) and I had two trial students who I needed to impress so they would stay and the class would make. Yeah, I was so exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of the day. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Oh and I painted my apartment that week and moved in that weekend. Thankfully Katrin was teaching for Recovery (just happened to fall on that weekend, wasn't planned), otherwise I don't know what I would have done. God is so good for scheduling things like that. He knows much better than me!
So this is why I have been so silent. I have been busier than none other. Oh and my three closest friends have left the country. Adena is back in Canada, boo, and I miss her so much. I feel a little lost without her. Jan went back to Koeln and Jorma is in Finland right now, but will be moving to the south of Germany to do a DTS with YWAM. So quite a lot of things going on for me right now...
About my living situation! I live in a Christian WG (Wohnen Gemeinschaft) meaning a place where a bunch of people live together, share common areas i.e. kitchen, bathroom, etc. but are only individually response for their rent! The place I am living in is rented out by a Christian organization here and does mission work in parts of the world I should not say. SO I am living in a 6 bedroom flat with 5 roomates (6 including me), one kitchen with only 2 fridges (or to americans mini fridges--fridges here are so small!) and get this, 1 and half bathrooms. THAT'S IT! And you ladies thought the Fry house was rough with 6 women to 3.5 bathrooms and two large american size refrigerators, a dining room, living room, and laundry room. Our washing machine is in our kitchen here...oh how we shouldn't complain when we have it good ;)
I feel like I am living at the Fry house again. I live on a very busy street. The entrance to my apartment building is shared with the official "St. Pauli" soccer bar that blares music all throughout the night when there are soccer games on or when it is the weekend... I am 5 minutes from the Reeperbahn ( The Beattles got there start here), 5 minutes from Sternschanze ( a cool happening place--very college town like with the occasional demonstration and protest) the harbor is a 5 min train ride and very beautiful if you catch the train when the sun is setting or rising, and it is only 10 minutes to the hauptbahnhof( main train station.) You can't get much more centrally located. It is a 5-8 min walk to either U-Bahn station. Pretty cool place. Oh and did I mention the supermarket on the way to my flat is an old "Wal-Mart"? (yes!) Wal-Mart didn't survive in Germany so they were bought out by "Real" (pronounced re-al) What this means is I can find American products!! Wooohooo! Some things are a little bit pricy, but surprisingly many products are the same price as the German products. Although, I have to admit I feel so lost and unable to make decisions with all the options that are in this huge supermarket in comparison to the tiny typical German supermarkets that are the size of the Highland Village Campus Worship area ( I am not even sure they are that big.)
So I am rambling here. I just needed a break from preparing for Recovery this weekend. I was feeling overwhelmed and had an urge to write and it had been awhile...so yeah.
If you want to know how you can pray for me, pray that I push into God every day. That I don't try to live my life without Him. I have never felt so powerless, inept, and unable to live my life before as I do know.( I know this is a good place to be and see, but I am sinful and my ways of dealing with powerlessness are sinful.)
Please also pray that I don't drown or get beaten up by the chaos. That I would surrender to the only one who brings order out of chaos or Who holds me still in the midst of the chaos flying around me. I just need prayers. Protection against the enemy who is attacking so hard this time around with Recovery.
I love you guys and I am glad to be back in communication!
I will try to post more stories soon!
Lord Jesus, I am so small and I blow away at the slightest brush of the wind. I am crushed by the slightest change in pressure. I cannot go forward without You. I need You to cover me and protect me from all that rains in on me, to make my path clear before I even walk it. I need Your strength to get up and believe I can face my day and the challenges ahead of me because You have already fought them. I need Your righteousness and courage to walk in the holiness that You have called me to. I need Your wisdom and shepherd's heart to lead those You have given me the privilege of leading.
I cannot do it on my own. Please don't let me do it on my own.
I have been quite absent from here for a long time. Life has been so ridiculously busy I don't even know where to begin. As soon as I got back from the states everything was busy again with preparations for the holidays, working, helping out at church etc. In January I began my job hunt for a position as an english teacher which amazingly I got! I am a freelance english teacher and I work for several schools.
So then, I had to get all the paper work done to legally work in Hamburg. Let me tell you, if you have never experienced German bureacracy, I advise you not to unless you hate yourself. I think I may have gray hair coming in due to the stress that accompanies paperwork in Germany. They are waaay more invasive than in the states and ask questions I frankly don't think you are allowed to ask in the states. To get my visa I had to get health insurance. To get health insurance I had to have a visa. Anyone see any flaw in this logic? So not only health insurance, but a tax number so I could get paid (amen!). Oh, but before that, my "work plan" (plan to freelance teaching English) had to be submitted to someone in the arbeits amt (work office) to see if they thought my plan would work and I could earn enough money. Unglaublich! I couldn't believe they had to or could do this. Why do they need to approve of whether they think my plan will work? But this is typical German....It's not that they know everything, they just know everything better ;)
Then I had to look for an apartment. I thought I had one taking over a friend's lease who was getting married, but it didn't work out. Apparently the roomate's girlfriend wasn't so keen on a woman living there, oh well... BUT I did find a wonderful place to live! But more on that later....Then I had to register where I am living. Yes, you have to do that in Germany, you have to let them know where you are living. Crazy, huh?
I started Recovery up again in January in the midst of all this chaos and then I started my new jobs in February. This was total chaos. My first day of teaching with training was 9 hours. My first class was a one on one with a beginner with no previous knowledge of english and I had about an hour to prepare 3 teaching hours with her. Then I had an hour between my next class, which was a 2b business english class (so advanced students) and I had two trial students who I needed to impress so they would stay and the class would make. Yeah, I was so exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of the day. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Oh and I painted my apartment that week and moved in that weekend. Thankfully Katrin was teaching for Recovery (just happened to fall on that weekend, wasn't planned), otherwise I don't know what I would have done. God is so good for scheduling things like that. He knows much better than me!
So this is why I have been so silent. I have been busier than none other. Oh and my three closest friends have left the country. Adena is back in Canada, boo, and I miss her so much. I feel a little lost without her. Jan went back to Koeln and Jorma is in Finland right now, but will be moving to the south of Germany to do a DTS with YWAM. So quite a lot of things going on for me right now...
About my living situation! I live in a Christian WG (Wohnen Gemeinschaft) meaning a place where a bunch of people live together, share common areas i.e. kitchen, bathroom, etc. but are only individually response for their rent! The place I am living in is rented out by a Christian organization here and does mission work in parts of the world I should not say. SO I am living in a 6 bedroom flat with 5 roomates (6 including me), one kitchen with only 2 fridges (or to americans mini fridges--fridges here are so small!) and get this, 1 and half bathrooms. THAT'S IT! And you ladies thought the Fry house was rough with 6 women to 3.5 bathrooms and two large american size refrigerators, a dining room, living room, and laundry room. Our washing machine is in our kitchen here...oh how we shouldn't complain when we have it good ;)
I feel like I am living at the Fry house again. I live on a very busy street. The entrance to my apartment building is shared with the official "St. Pauli" soccer bar that blares music all throughout the night when there are soccer games on or when it is the weekend... I am 5 minutes from the Reeperbahn ( The Beattles got there start here), 5 minutes from Sternschanze ( a cool happening place--very college town like with the occasional demonstration and protest) the harbor is a 5 min train ride and very beautiful if you catch the train when the sun is setting or rising, and it is only 10 minutes to the hauptbahnhof( main train station.) You can't get much more centrally located. It is a 5-8 min walk to either U-Bahn station. Pretty cool place. Oh and did I mention the supermarket on the way to my flat is an old "Wal-Mart"? (yes!) Wal-Mart didn't survive in Germany so they were bought out by "Real" (pronounced re-al) What this means is I can find American products!! Wooohooo! Some things are a little bit pricy, but surprisingly many products are the same price as the German products. Although, I have to admit I feel so lost and unable to make decisions with all the options that are in this huge supermarket in comparison to the tiny typical German supermarkets that are the size of the Highland Village Campus Worship area ( I am not even sure they are that big.)
So I am rambling here. I just needed a break from preparing for Recovery this weekend. I was feeling overwhelmed and had an urge to write and it had been awhile...so yeah.
If you want to know how you can pray for me, pray that I push into God every day. That I don't try to live my life without Him. I have never felt so powerless, inept, and unable to live my life before as I do know.( I know this is a good place to be and see, but I am sinful and my ways of dealing with powerlessness are sinful.)
Please also pray that I don't drown or get beaten up by the chaos. That I would surrender to the only one who brings order out of chaos or Who holds me still in the midst of the chaos flying around me. I just need prayers. Protection against the enemy who is attacking so hard this time around with Recovery.
I love you guys and I am glad to be back in communication!
I will try to post more stories soon!
11.19.2008
My Weekend in Koeln
This weekend I went on a road trip to Koeln with Adena, Jorma, and Jan. We stayed at Jan's parents place and had such a great time. His mom is the best hostess and is so warm and inviting. Along with sight-seeing, we hung out with his family and sat and told stories, made fun of each other, and just had a great time.
In my slide show there are pictures from the Koelner Dom and the area around the train station, and the Lindt Chocholate Museum! Loved going there! Did you know that chocolate is completely healthy for you--dark chocolate that is. As I was reading the articles along the walls in the museum, I was so happy because it confirmed everything I knew about the benefits of chocolate. I made brownies yesterday in celebration of this fact. Do you think the two cups of sugar and 2/3 cup of oil are also healthy? I choose ignorance in favor of the moist, gooey brownies that I can't stop eating!
11.12.2008
I feel so free today! I feel like God has lifted this huge weight off of me and has opened my heart up. I asked him for a new soul, new spirit, to be refreshed and made new. That He has done. Everything that has happened over the last week and a half put me in such a vulnerable position that I immediately reverted back to old coping mechanisms and patterns of relating to people. Simply put, I put up walls to everyone because I felt vulnerable, like anyone could break me and I didn’t want to be broken—I don’t want to be powerless.
So of course I was angry and irritated. I push people away with my anger wanting people to back off and getting angry at them for not coming near me because “Can’t they see I am upset?” I sabotage relationships through my anger. I kill my desires by numbing myself out with food and then getting angry at myself for eating too much knowing I can gain weight so easily and then punishing myself by not eating much at all. I fear touch and become withdrawn because I do not want anyone to feed the fire in my heart that burns to be nourished with physical touch. I fear disappointment when they will not engage me any further and only seek to gain what they want from my physical being and not my soul. I hang my head in pity and self-loathing, feeling unworthy to engage the world around me and begging people to leave me alone. It is a sign of defeat. I completely disengage the world by sleeping off my time, hoping when I wake up the next morning it will somehow be different and I will wake up in another situation without having to face all those things that haunt me.
This was my week and a half and I feel like I can walk away from it today. I say today because I am not so foolish to think that I cannot be in this place again and that it will not haunt me further. There is much more work and healing to be done and I, like an alcoholic, will turn to the same coping mechanism(s) till the day I die or Jesus comes for me. But today I choose to walk in truth. I choose to believe that God has brought me down this path for my good and ultimately His glory in my life and the lives of those around me. I choose to believe that He is enough in my pain, in my weeping, in my fear, in my joy, in my laughter, in my sorrow, in my loss, in everything. He alone can carry me through. He is my anchor of hope for my soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:19) I will walk further and not camp out in my pain because He has called me to keep walking with Him and has called me to play.
One of my favorite pictures I always have of God is this man who radiates with joy and delight, playing with this little girl who has long curly locks in a forest. They have found this secluded spot all to themselves and they are dancing and singing, frolicking and playing tag. Today He has run down the dark scary path ahead and has checked it out to make sure it is okay to travel down and that nothing too dangerous is out there. He comes back from the ominous path and is squatting down, with his arms stretched out, entreating this little girl to come and join Him, to take His hand and walk deeper into the woods. He promises He won’t go anywhere and will not leave her side. He will fight off the lions, the tigers, the bears, (Oh my!) and all the things that she fears He promises to give her strength to stand up to. Will this little girl continue to run and play, trusting her father? Yes, yes she will.
So of course I was angry and irritated. I push people away with my anger wanting people to back off and getting angry at them for not coming near me because “Can’t they see I am upset?” I sabotage relationships through my anger. I kill my desires by numbing myself out with food and then getting angry at myself for eating too much knowing I can gain weight so easily and then punishing myself by not eating much at all. I fear touch and become withdrawn because I do not want anyone to feed the fire in my heart that burns to be nourished with physical touch. I fear disappointment when they will not engage me any further and only seek to gain what they want from my physical being and not my soul. I hang my head in pity and self-loathing, feeling unworthy to engage the world around me and begging people to leave me alone. It is a sign of defeat. I completely disengage the world by sleeping off my time, hoping when I wake up the next morning it will somehow be different and I will wake up in another situation without having to face all those things that haunt me.
This was my week and a half and I feel like I can walk away from it today. I say today because I am not so foolish to think that I cannot be in this place again and that it will not haunt me further. There is much more work and healing to be done and I, like an alcoholic, will turn to the same coping mechanism(s) till the day I die or Jesus comes for me. But today I choose to walk in truth. I choose to believe that God has brought me down this path for my good and ultimately His glory in my life and the lives of those around me. I choose to believe that He is enough in my pain, in my weeping, in my fear, in my joy, in my laughter, in my sorrow, in my loss, in everything. He alone can carry me through. He is my anchor of hope for my soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:19) I will walk further and not camp out in my pain because He has called me to keep walking with Him and has called me to play.
One of my favorite pictures I always have of God is this man who radiates with joy and delight, playing with this little girl who has long curly locks in a forest. They have found this secluded spot all to themselves and they are dancing and singing, frolicking and playing tag. Today He has run down the dark scary path ahead and has checked it out to make sure it is okay to travel down and that nothing too dangerous is out there. He comes back from the ominous path and is squatting down, with his arms stretched out, entreating this little girl to come and join Him, to take His hand and walk deeper into the woods. He promises He won’t go anywhere and will not leave her side. He will fight off the lions, the tigers, the bears, (Oh my!) and all the things that she fears He promises to give her strength to stand up to. Will this little girl continue to run and play, trusting her father? Yes, yes she will.
11.11.2008
Hard Two Weeks
Needless to say, the last two weeks have been pretty hard on me. I don't have time to go into detail nor do I think it appropriate to online. It is interesting to me that I could go back so quickly to my old coping mechanisms and not even realize it. It really is amazing because God has done so many amazing things this past year and we have walked through them together. I guess some wounds are so deep the reaction is instant.
I am giving grace to myself and trying to get through one day at a time...
I wanted to share the scriptures God has given to me yesterday and today.
Yesterday: Psalm 126
Today: James 1:2-5, 12
If you think of me, please pray for peace in my heart and God to speak loudly to me. I am often deaf.
I am giving grace to myself and trying to get through one day at a time...
I wanted to share the scriptures God has given to me yesterday and today.
Yesterday: Psalm 126
1 When the LORD brought back the captives to [a] Zion,
we were like men who dreamed. [b]
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, [c] O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.
Today: James 1:2-5, 12
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
If you think of me, please pray for peace in my heart and God to speak loudly to me. I am often deaf.
10.21.2008
Justice
I receive these weekly articles from Relevant Magazine and today the topic was social justice, as it usually is. Always a story or experience from someone doing something radical to change the world. I admire these stories and they always make me think about my life. I am a big advocate of speaking for those who cannot speak, helping them find their voice, meeting needs where we can, etc. However, what got me thinking today, and spawned this post, were the arguments used to make the point.
"Interestingly enough, the word for love in the KJV is Charity, which when properly translated from Aramaic actually means justice. Love is setting things right. Love is doing something when it's easier to do nothing. Love is fighting for those who have no voice. Love is justice incarnate."
My first thoughts were 1) the KJV is so wrought with error why would you choose from it. 2) I am curious what scripture in particular he was translating from the Aramaic to derive justice as the English translation for love. 3) I am not so sure I easily sit with the last phrase of "Love is justice incarnate." I'd like to stay with this last point for a bit.
I have a hard time agreeing with this definition of love as justice incarnate. If we reason like that, then we only have a partial reality and truth of Christ's death on the cross. Yes, it was just in that Christ absorbed God's wrath, our punishment for sinning against a Holy God, therefore making atonement for our sin, but if it was not accompanied with mercy and grace that is extended freely to us, then it was for nothing. There is no justice in Him extending it to us freely. That is pure mercy in Him offering us the grace that was paid through Christ. Mercy as defined by Merriam-Webster "implies compassion that forbears punishing even when justice demands it."
It is seemingly lacking to say "love is justice incarnate" because Christ didn't come for justice. Yes, He came to "set the captives free and bind up the broken hearted…" but that was not the chief end of His mission. Jesus did not heal every person physically when He lived on this earth. He didn't come to make peace in the world, but He did come and put peace in our hearts for those who would accept His grace that covers our sin. These are two very different ideas. He came with a message of freedom, but He cared more about the freedom from the sin within our own hearts, rather than external circumstances of sin against others. The debt towards God is much bigger than our debt towards others.
The title of this article is Repairing the World by George Elerick and that was his main point; that we can bring love to this world by providing justice for the oppressed. I still maintain it is twofold. We do have a responsibility to those who are oppressed to fight for them. I believe it with all my heart. James 1:27 (NIV)
27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
However, the type of repairing of the world Christ came for was first reconciling us to God.
Colossians 1: 19 "For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross."
His second coming will be for our sanctification. We will finally be made whole and our sinful nature will be left behind.
Hebrews 9:28 "so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him."
Again Merriam-Webster, here is the definition for salvation: "1 a: deliverance from the power and effects of sin b: the agent or means that effects salvation; 2: liberation from ignorance or illusion3 a: preservation from destruction or failure b: deliverance from danger or difficulty" This is when our sanctification will be made complete, when Christ returns or I die first—in the end it is the same.
I do think helping out those who are oppressed is very important; I just didn't really like his argument and thought his focus was a little off. I am not really sure what my ramblings here have come to, but these few brief lines from this article have got me thinking and these are the thoughts floating around in my head. I always tell people in YAG when I ask difficult questions that I only ask them to make them think because I can't stop thinking myself. So, I am asking you to think as well. What are your thoughts on social justice? Helping the poor? What are ways to engage those who are oppressed with both the spiritual and the physical needs? So, I will continue to wrestle with these questions as well and if I come up with something, be certain that I will write again.
10.15.2008
There is much rejoicing in Heaven!!
There is a party going on in heaven right now! Adena, whom I always write about and is in my pictures, has decided to follow Jesus!! She along with 6 other people were baptised this Sunday. There were also two others there very dear to my heart as well, Katrin and Rosanna.
Adena, Katrin, and Rosanna are the only ones who stuck out Recovery all the way to the end. Of the 16 women who began, these ladies are the ones who have gone through the battle of sin that wages within and held out to the end. (For all of you out there thinking "Uh...isn't recovery supposed to be confidential??? Don't worry, I have been given explicit permission to proclaim to the world what God has done!!!)
That day my heart swelled with joy and pride for these women and such gratitude that God chooses to use me in their lives.
With Adena, how crazy is our God that He sent Adena from Canada and me from Texas all the way to Hamburg, Germany, to meet in the city when we both lived in the country. He didn't put any friends in our path for the first two months so He could bind our hearts together and make us desperate for friends; thirsting for something so much bigger. BAM!! IBC came along and Adena was desperate enough for fellowship with people that she came with me to church and fell in love with the people's love for one another. Started going to a bible study on Tuesdays and hanging out with all these Christians... Then her being such a good friend to me, she decided to help me organize Recovery when it first got started. She also figured since she was my secretary she may as well go too. She had been reading the bible off and on and praying to God, but I really think that having to do the study and getting into the word and having to truly look at her life, had such a huge impact. When I first met her, she told me this was her year to find herself and that is why she came to Germany because something big was going to happen--she could just feel it. When she told me that, I wanted to tell her it that she was going to find Jesus! Only now does she know how true those words were. My favorite thing to hear out of her mouth is " I cannot deny God is real. He has changed me. I am not the same person that I was and I don't even know how it happened, but I know it was Him."
Our God is so extravagant and He will use whatever means He pleases to reveal Himself to mankind. He just asks us to trust Him with the crazy and come out and play with Him. I have had fun playing!
Katrin is a very special woman to me. I am training her right now to lead the recovery ministry here in Hamburg. She has only been a Christian for a year now, but God has called her into deep waters already and she has been obedient to follow. I have never seen a young christian so obediant and faithful to the things that He has called her to and takes delight in it. This woman seeks God with all her heart and wrestles with Him until He wins...
Rosanna has been a believer for a long time. Her baptism I can relate to. She was baptised at 18, she is now 38. After going through this step study and going through her 5th step, she felt like she was truly alive and God had become real to her. All the things that haunted her are gone and she feels free to live and rejoice and see God for who He really is! So amazing! Many people were quite stunned that she was getting baptised because she was well known in the church and people knew her for being a strong christian who had already been baptised....
I praise God for this day and how awesome He is that He would call us to Himself; that He would choose to display His glory in such broken vessels like us. Blows my mind. I am at a loss for words to end this blog. There is not enough praise I could give God for what has happened...
Adena, Katrin, and Rosanna are the only ones who stuck out Recovery all the way to the end. Of the 16 women who began, these ladies are the ones who have gone through the battle of sin that wages within and held out to the end. (For all of you out there thinking "Uh...isn't recovery supposed to be confidential??? Don't worry, I have been given explicit permission to proclaim to the world what God has done!!!)
That day my heart swelled with joy and pride for these women and such gratitude that God chooses to use me in their lives.
With Adena, how crazy is our God that He sent Adena from Canada and me from Texas all the way to Hamburg, Germany, to meet in the city when we both lived in the country. He didn't put any friends in our path for the first two months so He could bind our hearts together and make us desperate for friends; thirsting for something so much bigger. BAM!! IBC came along and Adena was desperate enough for fellowship with people that she came with me to church and fell in love with the people's love for one another. Started going to a bible study on Tuesdays and hanging out with all these Christians... Then her being such a good friend to me, she decided to help me organize Recovery when it first got started. She also figured since she was my secretary she may as well go too. She had been reading the bible off and on and praying to God, but I really think that having to do the study and getting into the word and having to truly look at her life, had such a huge impact. When I first met her, she told me this was her year to find herself and that is why she came to Germany because something big was going to happen--she could just feel it. When she told me that, I wanted to tell her it that she was going to find Jesus! Only now does she know how true those words were. My favorite thing to hear out of her mouth is " I cannot deny God is real. He has changed me. I am not the same person that I was and I don't even know how it happened, but I know it was Him."
Our God is so extravagant and He will use whatever means He pleases to reveal Himself to mankind. He just asks us to trust Him with the crazy and come out and play with Him. I have had fun playing!
Katrin is a very special woman to me. I am training her right now to lead the recovery ministry here in Hamburg. She has only been a Christian for a year now, but God has called her into deep waters already and she has been obedient to follow. I have never seen a young christian so obediant and faithful to the things that He has called her to and takes delight in it. This woman seeks God with all her heart and wrestles with Him until He wins...
Rosanna has been a believer for a long time. Her baptism I can relate to. She was baptised at 18, she is now 38. After going through this step study and going through her 5th step, she felt like she was truly alive and God had become real to her. All the things that haunted her are gone and she feels free to live and rejoice and see God for who He really is! So amazing! Many people were quite stunned that she was getting baptised because she was well known in the church and people knew her for being a strong christian who had already been baptised....
I praise God for this day and how awesome He is that He would call us to Himself; that He would choose to display His glory in such broken vessels like us. Blows my mind. I am at a loss for words to end this blog. There is not enough praise I could give God for what has happened...
10.08.2008
Baby Pictures
My parents emailed these to me for an event we were having here with the YAG. They are cute, so I thought I would share.
Happy Halloween!
I recieved this picture in an email titled: "When Pumpkins Drink"
I thought it was funny.
10.01.2008
Election Blog
So I didn't really intend on writing about this election because the moment I came over here that is all people wanted to talk to me about and I got quite fed up with it early on. However, that being said I was reading a blog that was soliciting opinions about this article she had read in the Dallas Morning News. The article was talking about a bumper sticker that said
I heart Jesus
You cannot vote for Obama and be a Christian
Well that was enough to send my mind in a flurry and write a response of a beloved rant which I will post here as well:
This election is quite interesting to say the least. I think it will have bigger effects than most of us think. There is something so interesting in that idea as well as the fact we can participate in this process and vote, yet we in the end do not decide. God is the sovereign one and He places the powers and authorities over us.
My question is why do Christians, I say this somewhat carte blanche, seemingly always vote republican because of the two aforementioned reasons of abortion and homosexuality? I say this not because I am for it, but rather why do we want to legislate morality through the government. Have we not already created a Christian culture in the U.S. through good ole television that gives a moral story and faithful church attendance creating a safe feeling through knowledge and works. All that has left is people who know right behavior and right answers with a social pressure to conform if you want to be considered 'good' or 'righteous'.
When did govermental Christianity ever promote Jesus? Think historically to the first century church when Rome decided to take on Christianity as the official state religion. It died. Yet we look at India right now who is facing severe oppression and the gospel is spreading like wildfire and HEARTS and lives are changing.
We will never be doing good to peoples souls for eternity by regulating morality through the governemnt. Rather would it not be better to let people feel the depth of their depravity and love them inspite of their sins giving them the hope that is found in Jesus alone. He alone can change their hearts and no amount of nagging through the government will do that.
These are just my thoughts and ponderings. I have a somewhat far off glance and unbias at what is going on as I sit across the atlantic and watch America toss and turn through the economic difficulties and political warfare. Interestingly enough, most of the world is watching what is going on and I think, like San mentioned, this election will determine how the rest of the world will interact with us. We have upset quite a few contries over the last couple of years....
I also would like to add that the rest of the world is looking at the US as to what will happen because it does have huge ramifications for the rest of the world. I read a critique that many people won't vote for Obama because "he is the European candidate of choice." To that I think what an ignorant reason for not voting for him and how arrogant like an American to not care what the rest of the world thinks. We have snubbed enough of our allied countries with our youthful pride and arrogance thinking we can do what we please and it doesn't matter to the rest of the world. To that I have to say, we will pay the consequences for our pride. We should be more concerned about our foreign affairs than we are at present. My advice, try traveling outside the U.S.. There is a whole other world out there. But I know that request is quite difficult for many considering about 3% of americans have a current passport and actually use it.
Zu ende. That is all I have to say for the present. I am curious to hear what you guys think.
I heart Jesus
You cannot vote for Obama and be a Christian
Well that was enough to send my mind in a flurry and write a response of a beloved rant which I will post here as well:
This election is quite interesting to say the least. I think it will have bigger effects than most of us think. There is something so interesting in that idea as well as the fact we can participate in this process and vote, yet we in the end do not decide. God is the sovereign one and He places the powers and authorities over us.
My question is why do Christians, I say this somewhat carte blanche, seemingly always vote republican because of the two aforementioned reasons of abortion and homosexuality? I say this not because I am for it, but rather why do we want to legislate morality through the government. Have we not already created a Christian culture in the U.S. through good ole television that gives a moral story and faithful church attendance creating a safe feeling through knowledge and works. All that has left is people who know right behavior and right answers with a social pressure to conform if you want to be considered 'good' or 'righteous'.
When did govermental Christianity ever promote Jesus? Think historically to the first century church when Rome decided to take on Christianity as the official state religion. It died. Yet we look at India right now who is facing severe oppression and the gospel is spreading like wildfire and HEARTS and lives are changing.
We will never be doing good to peoples souls for eternity by regulating morality through the governemnt. Rather would it not be better to let people feel the depth of their depravity and love them inspite of their sins giving them the hope that is found in Jesus alone. He alone can change their hearts and no amount of nagging through the government will do that.
These are just my thoughts and ponderings. I have a somewhat far off glance and unbias at what is going on as I sit across the atlantic and watch America toss and turn through the economic difficulties and political warfare. Interestingly enough, most of the world is watching what is going on and I think, like San mentioned, this election will determine how the rest of the world will interact with us. We have upset quite a few contries over the last couple of years....
I also would like to add that the rest of the world is looking at the US as to what will happen because it does have huge ramifications for the rest of the world. I read a critique that many people won't vote for Obama because "he is the European candidate of choice." To that I think what an ignorant reason for not voting for him and how arrogant like an American to not care what the rest of the world thinks. We have snubbed enough of our allied countries with our youthful pride and arrogance thinking we can do what we please and it doesn't matter to the rest of the world. To that I have to say, we will pay the consequences for our pride. We should be more concerned about our foreign affairs than we are at present. My advice, try traveling outside the U.S.. There is a whole other world out there. But I know that request is quite difficult for many considering about 3% of americans have a current passport and actually use it.
Zu ende. That is all I have to say for the present. I am curious to hear what you guys think.
9.24.2008
Germany, Thanksgiving, and English Teaching
What do Germany, Thanksgiving and English Teaching have to do with one another you ask. Everything. I have decided to stay in Germany for another year and do some more work with the Recovery Program here helping it to get up and running on a good start.
How am I going to stay here legally and financially? As an English Teacher I hope. Last time I was looking for a job here, the only thing keeping me from English teaching was a certificate. Germans love their bureacracy, meaning they love certificates for everything. So I am doing an online course right now to get my TEFL certificate.
What does that have to do with Thanksgiving, Caroline? Because of this decision, my parents are flying me home for thanksgiving. I will be in Texas from Nov 22- Dec 10th! If you would like to meet up while I am at home, please make your reservation ahead of time. :)
Things I plan on doing in Texas:
1) Eating Mexican food every day!
2) Eating barbecue every day!
3) Stocking up on clothing and shoes. Clothes are friggin expensive here.
4) Buying spices for Mexican food.
5) Hugging and kissing my nephews to death. It's got to last for a whole year!
6) Bringing back useless things such as my text books that I thought I would use for online classes
7) Getting all my stuff out of the Fry House and eating at Cups and Crepes!
8) Eating real meat!!
9) Meeting with my dear friends and family!
10)Celebrating my baby sister's 21st birthday!
That is my list for now. Definately has a food theme to it, but you don't understand how boring bread and butter is until you eat it for two of your three meals every day!
If there is anything you want from Germany, give me a holla and I will bring it to you! I am bringing two large suitcases half full so I can load her up for the next year!
Can't wait to see you guys soon!
Love,
Caroline
How am I going to stay here legally and financially? As an English Teacher I hope. Last time I was looking for a job here, the only thing keeping me from English teaching was a certificate. Germans love their bureacracy, meaning they love certificates for everything. So I am doing an online course right now to get my TEFL certificate.
What does that have to do with Thanksgiving, Caroline? Because of this decision, my parents are flying me home for thanksgiving. I will be in Texas from Nov 22- Dec 10th! If you would like to meet up while I am at home, please make your reservation ahead of time. :)
Things I plan on doing in Texas:
1) Eating Mexican food every day!
2) Eating barbecue every day!
3) Stocking up on clothing and shoes. Clothes are friggin expensive here.
4) Buying spices for Mexican food.
5) Hugging and kissing my nephews to death. It's got to last for a whole year!
6) Bringing back useless things such as my text books that I thought I would use for online classes
7) Getting all my stuff out of the Fry House and eating at Cups and Crepes!
8) Eating real meat!!
9) Meeting with my dear friends and family!
10)Celebrating my baby sister's 21st birthday!
That is my list for now. Definately has a food theme to it, but you don't understand how boring bread and butter is until you eat it for two of your three meals every day!
If there is anything you want from Germany, give me a holla and I will bring it to you! I am bringing two large suitcases half full so I can load her up for the next year!
Can't wait to see you guys soon!
Love,
Caroline
9.10.2008
A Glimpse of Jesus in Cobbler
These past two months in the land where everything grows so lusciously and abundantly have brought so much joy and worship in my heart. All of nature seems to be proclaiming the glory of God and communicating His goodness. Oh how He lavishes His love upon us!
The weather is not always stable here in Hamburg. In fact you can predict it to be unpredictable and more on the rainy side than anything. A glorious moment, is when the weather is forecast for rain the whole weekend--therefore also cold-- but God decides He wants it to be sunny and warm instead. These moments melt my heart into praise and awe for our Creator.
Speaking of melting, nothing melts more heavenly than a great scoop of vanilla ice cream from the warm oozing yumminess of a cobbler. Making cobbler this summer has soothed me with such southern comforts of home. The reward in the end is indescribable from a long fought journey. There is nothing like going to your own backyard to pick your own fresh berries, but even then nature is wild and puts up a fight. There is this plant by blackberry bushes that is kind of like a stinging nettle, but it stings far worse! This malicious plant always stings me and of course the thorns from the bush itself dig into your clothes, trying to hold you captive as you steal its treasure.
I have come to pin these words about berry picking, blackberries specifically: "Blackberry picking is like fighting nature, demanding that she yields her delicious treasure to me. In the end of my battle, I come out scratched and bleeding, but I find it worth the fight, in that I behold something that brings me much greater joy in the end."
Sitting outside with a bowl of warm homemade cobbler and giant scoop of vanilla ice cream while the sun shines on me and a slight breeze sweeps by is such a God exalting moment for me--it is a moment that says it couldn't get any better than this. I know all is right in the world at that moment--it's a glimpse of Jesus.
How wonderful is God that He would choose to communicate His love to me in something so simple as a fresh summer dessert!
8.30.2008
Quenton and Felix
Here and some pictures of Quenton and Felix! If you have facebook, then you have already seen them. But they are soo cute!
8.27.2008
Great Article
Just wanted to write a short little blog. I have so much more to say than I will write, but I felt like writing a little on here. Soliciting help: How on earth do I make pictures not just vertical on here? I want to post some pics of my kids, but I am a little technologically challenged. Funny, I grew up in the technology generation, but it seemed to zoom way past me!
Things are going really well with my new family. I live on a horse farm taking care of two little boys who are 3 and 4 and absolutely suß! I feel like I walked into Doctor Dolittle. We have 5 horses, soon to be 2 more, 2 ponies, 2 dogs, and 3 cats. The ponies graze on the lawn outside and I often see them outside my window in the mornings just eating grass. The animals seem to really like me, which is great! I like them too! One cat has brought me three dead birds on my doorstep--if you don't know animals, this is a compliment and sign of affection. One of the dogs, Inka, loves to go on walks with me and therefore follows me around all day long and one time even hid under my bed as soon as she could get into my room and didn't want to leave! It was soo funny bc Arne, the father, had to crawl under my bed and pull Inka out. The ponies always think I am have something to give them to eat and will rush towards me when they can see or hear me--which is hard for Farina because she is 35 years old and has lost a lot of sight and hearing. But don't feel too sorry for her, she's not so decrepit. She is still feisty and if Inka is not careful, she is going to find herself dead if she keeps messing with Farina! Watch out for that back kick!
I will write more about my adventures with the kids later, but I just wanted to give a short update. My German is also coming along too. Unfortunately not so much my spelling bc I am learning more from speaking, but I can understand quite a bit and communicate on a basic level!.... Everything is going wonderful! I was meant to live on a farm :). The family is so loving and warm and affectionate--which is unusual for Germans to be so affectionate without knowing me. I feel almost in reverse culture shock. I just got used to people being cold and not open, that them being so open and affectionate to me sometimes throws me off and I have to watch myself to not pull away! Isn't that interesting....
Well, as the title of this post states, I have read a great article on Relevant Magazine giving a Q&A about a book written by Craig Detweiler called Into the Dark. The book examines films and finds redemptive purposes and insights into what is actually happening in the films that are reviewed. It is a really great article and I highly recommend you reading it. Let me know what you think about it. http://www.relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7658
Things are going really well with my new family. I live on a horse farm taking care of two little boys who are 3 and 4 and absolutely suß! I feel like I walked into Doctor Dolittle. We have 5 horses, soon to be 2 more, 2 ponies, 2 dogs, and 3 cats. The ponies graze on the lawn outside and I often see them outside my window in the mornings just eating grass. The animals seem to really like me, which is great! I like them too! One cat has brought me three dead birds on my doorstep--if you don't know animals, this is a compliment and sign of affection. One of the dogs, Inka, loves to go on walks with me and therefore follows me around all day long and one time even hid under my bed as soon as she could get into my room and didn't want to leave! It was soo funny bc Arne, the father, had to crawl under my bed and pull Inka out. The ponies always think I am have something to give them to eat and will rush towards me when they can see or hear me--which is hard for Farina because she is 35 years old and has lost a lot of sight and hearing. But don't feel too sorry for her, she's not so decrepit. She is still feisty and if Inka is not careful, she is going to find herself dead if she keeps messing with Farina! Watch out for that back kick!
I will write more about my adventures with the kids later, but I just wanted to give a short update. My German is also coming along too. Unfortunately not so much my spelling bc I am learning more from speaking, but I can understand quite a bit and communicate on a basic level!.... Everything is going wonderful! I was meant to live on a farm :). The family is so loving and warm and affectionate--which is unusual for Germans to be so affectionate without knowing me. I feel almost in reverse culture shock. I just got used to people being cold and not open, that them being so open and affectionate to me sometimes throws me off and I have to watch myself to not pull away! Isn't that interesting....
Well, as the title of this post states, I have read a great article on Relevant Magazine giving a Q&A about a book written by Craig Detweiler called Into the Dark. The book examines films and finds redemptive purposes and insights into what is actually happening in the films that are reviewed. It is a really great article and I highly recommend you reading it. Let me know what you think about it. http://www.relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7658
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