Surrender

Will surrender ever be easy? No, I think not and it shouldn't be. No one walks into a battle field carrying a white flag before the battle even starts. Fighting commences as one walks on the battle field and only when exhaustion and defeat have set in then the white flag is given in surrender of their position and lives. The white flag also pleads for mercy....

So I was having a rough morning today and I just couldn't shake this feeling of depression/ this feeling of defeat and so I decided to write. The writing might be a little scattered in thought, but I feel like it is an expression of a battle within me. (I mean to write later about my recent events here in hamburg, but I have not yet penned them to a page.)


"I don’t know why, but for some reason I am feeling slightly depressed. I have this unrest about myself and I can’t shake it off. A feeling of defeat flying over my head. I feel defeated in my mastery of German and unable to speak/learn it well. I want to give up in it and return to my familiar English. Maybe I am feeling this way b/c I don’t have an agenda today or the next week. It is not good for me to not have work--I need something in my schedule. I also find myself daydreaming about the future--future jobs, future living situations. Like I would love to go live with the some friends of mine up north in the states and hang out with their family for awhile. I just miss them so much.

I also want to go home and put my roots back in over there. When am I leaving Germany? I don’t know. And it bothers me. I would like to decide sometime soon and not have unrest over it. The question is also when does God want me to leave here, when is my work done here? Am I being selfish in wanting to go home? Is it a plot from the enemy dangling comfort in front of me hoping I will take the bait?

I just don’t feel like I have the strength or ability to learn German. I want to, but it seems so difficult. I don’t have the money to afford a good school, and I feel like I should have learned before I came and it would have been easier. Can I give up now and not hate myself later?

I feel defeat sitting on my chest, just like every time I would go to approach school. I would start out so well and bomb it in the end. It always feels too difficult to continue. Why does it always come to this point?

Maybe I need to fast from facebook and looking at peoples lives from afar. I think it pulls me into their lives, but I am not really there. It makes me miss home too much .

I don’t know. I never know why this happens. Am I looking to other things to satisfy me than God? The answer seems to be yes, but what is it? I have never tried harder to be satisfied by God alone in my life. But the thing is I can’t do it. AHHHHH. People and circumstances do not exist to satisfy me only God can.

God I surrender to you. Everything, my circumstances, my actions, my abilities or lack thereof, my attitude, my strength--that is never good enough, my hope, my affections, everything. I can’t do it God. I can’t live my life day in and day out without you. I need you to sustain me, to give me strength. Left up to myself, I am depressed and hopeless and I make a mess of everything. I surrender my ability to learn German. If it is not perfect, than okay--it’s not perfect. I can’t control that. I will do my best and not give up, but in the end whatever ability or understanding I have comes from you and I trust that it is enough and it is all the understanding I need. I won’t beat myself up over not being perfect. I will not treat your kindness with contempt.

So in writing this I realize that I am holding myself up to unrealistic standards that I cannot meet--say perfection. Not attainable in this lifetime. Oh Caroline, “unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Have I not heard this before :) . How many times will I learn this lesson in this lifetime?--at least a thousand.

'A thousand times I’ve failed
still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I’m caught in your grace.

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise become my embrace
Consume me from the inside out.' "

Random Thoughts

As the title of this blog clearly states my thoughts will not be clearly stated. Here we go...

I am doing well right now. I feel like God is sustaining me in all I do. I am starting a recovery ministry here in Hamburg and it has kept me quite busy meeting with people and doing the leg work to get it started. I have also been working very long and extra hours with my job. I am enjoying Germany and I feel like God has put me here, right now, for a purpose. I know I don't want to stay here long term--I will come back next May, but I am here for this short period of time for a reason. I feel it. God is moving in Hamburg. My heart is burdened for this city even though it isn't where I want to be in the long run. It's beautiful, but in the end it is just a city. But a city full of hurting people who are lost and dying physically and spiritually.

As I previously mentioned I am starting a recovery program here. That has been wonderful so far. It hasn't started, but I have been meeting with people and a step study will begin in July, so just around the corner. Some of the church leadership weren't quite sure how people would react to such a program/study, but I have had quite a large response from people so far. We will see how many actually come and stick it out. I am not worried, God will bring who He wants; I am just genuinely curious. Please pray for wisdom and guidance in how to lead this thing and pray for protection from the enemy who desires to keep the people here in captivity and bondage to their sin.

I am a bit homesick right now. It is hard to think about all my friends going off around the world on all their mission trips. I so badly want to be their to hug you and say goodbye and to welcome you home with a big hug and tears... I dislike the fact that my youngest nephew turns one in two weeks and I won't be there. He will actually be almost two years old before I come home. That hits hard--missing almost two years of his life. I know that I will have plenty of time to spend with him later, but I really want to be there to watch him grow up. I missed the earliest years with my oldest two nephews, but was able to with my 4 year old nephew... I miss all my friends at church. I want to be there in the everyday to stand beside and hear the stories, to rally them on, to be a part of their lives so intimately as we once were. I miss you all so very much and I think about you often.


I feel like I have clearer instructions on what I want to do when I get home to the states. I am trying not to dwell on them too much or it makes homesickness worse, but it has been fun dreaming of the possibilities when I get home. Only God knows what the next year will look like. I feel like being here has been a good training experience in every aspect of that word. Training spiritually, educationally, and vocationally. This journey has been a long spiritually refining one. God has been leading me into deeper waters way beyond myself of anything I could imagine. Everything I have been taught and learned has been put to the test and I have been standing in faith on it. It has been amazing to see! Educationally with learning the language has been great! I feel like when I go home I will focus more on linguistics. No idea what that will do, but I feel like it will open doors for better jobs in knowing more languages. Vocationally, I feel like this has helped so many ways in being able to write I taught/tutored English as a second language for almost a year and a half. Also being an au pair in another country, I feel like looks good on a resume and maybe with a combination of the language skills, maybe I can teach before I finish my undergrad. We will see, these are just some thoughts....

I don't have much more to write, well I do, but I don't know how to reign it in or what the point would be. So I will leave it at this. I am doing well, I love and miss you guys, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Caroline

My Holiday in London

It’s been awhile since I have updated this. So much has happened I don’t even know where to begin. I was on holiday in the U.K. from May 8-17th. Everything was fabulous! I will try to post some pictures. If you have facebook, that is the better way to look because it allows so much more space and is easier to look through.

Lately traveling has been a bit rough for me this year. Something always hiccups in my plans. On our way to London, the international security guys were stamping us out of the country and they looked at our passports (mine and Adena’s) and saw that we had been in the country for 3 months and 1 day. The legal allowance without a visa in Europe is 3 months. I have a visa, but it is in process. He asked me what I was doing in Germany and whether I was going back to the states after London. I told him my stuff was here so I am coming back. He told me I shouldn’t come back, that I needed to go home. Needless to say I was a bit frazzled that in this rinky-dink airport that is more like a plan hanger, these security guards are trying to give me hell for being here one day too long. They must be people who don’t like the states, otherwise outbound flights don’t get checked. What can you do?

We stayed at the oh-so fabulous “Ritz” as we lovingly call it. The five star hostel downtown London in Bayswater formerly known as “Smart Hyde Park Inn”, every backpackers nightmare. I am just kidding. It was an adventure. The hostel definitely wasn’t the cleanest or organized. We had to switch rooms almost every night we were there even though we had a long term reservation. The pictures on the website were definitely misleading. It was like they took pictures of it right after it opened….a 100 years ago. We didn’t shower much on this trip (yikes! But it was scary in the shower stalls and the water had no temperature control, so either extremely cold or scalding hot.) I have to say it was fun staying there. We met a lot of great people on our trip. That was probably the best part of staying in hostels was meeting people. We met one guy from New Zealand named Nathan. He is the most hilarious person. New Zealanders are called “Kiwis” and I didn’t realize it was after the national bird. I was thinking of the fruit. So every time he said “Oh that’s kiwi humour for you,” I would picture these kiwi fruits laughing. He is actually living in London and was looking for a job, but London is so expensive. It is cheaper to stay there in the hostel, find a job, and then a flat. Luckily he found a really great job on our last day there, so we went out and celebrated his job and our going away. It was great.
What did we do in London? Are you ready for a novel?? Just kidding. I’ll only give highlights.

The first day we went to the British Museum and first had breakfast in the park that is adjacent to the museum. It is very lovely if you have ever seen it and quite peaceful. At the museum, we saw a demonstration called “The way of Tea” and women from Japan who were in a school for tea and serving it, gave the demonstration. It was performed in a replica tea house in the museum. I was one of two people who were volunteers to have this ceremony performed and taste the tea. I really enjoyed it! The next day we took a tour all over the city on one of the big red buses. I definitely felt like a tourist, but we had some pretty funny tour guides and it was such a lovely day when we went, no rain, only sun. I actually got a sun-burn. I didn’t buy any sun tan lotion because it was 10 pounds for one bottle of lotion. That is $20!!!! Sooo expensive( in Deutschland wir sagen sehr teuer!!) Saturday we went to the Tower of London and it was absolutely incredible! So rich in history. Our tour guide was one of the actual guards and he was hilarious. I like the Brits for their humour, much better than German humour; although sometimes a little too saucy for my taste.

Monday we took a train to Bath for the day. Bath has to be one of the most beautiful cities!! All the architecture is the same as from the 18th century, nothing has really changed or modernized. It is also home to the Jane Austen Centre and the Roman Baths. We toured the Roman Baths and then we went to the Jane Austen Centre and had a high tea. It was very beautiful and very peaceful. Even as I write this my heart is again put to rest and filled with delight. We sat and drank tea and scones for quite some time just enjoying our break away from kids and soaking in the culture of the 18th century in Bath. We took a tour of the house, which was very much like one of the houses Jane Austen lived in when she resided in Bath. I bought a biography at the store on the Life of Jane Austen. I am only 60 pages in and it is very insightful.
The next day we went to Edinburgh and stayed in the worlds greatest hostel! This time I am being serious. It was very new and everything was better than the website stated. Plenty of space, very clean --we actually took a shower in this one. Gotta take ‘em where you can. Lockers were free and the place had like 6 kitchens and they were sanitary!!! I wish we had stayed longer in Edinburgh, the place was beautiful and the lodgings were great and cheap. While we were there, we saw the Edinburgh Castle. I saw a museum that paid tribute to Robert Burns and Sir Walter Scott. I only found it though , while walking on the street, but it was near closing so I only had 15 minutes in it. After I went there, I toured the Scottish Whiskey Heritage Museum. I loved it! They give you a glass of whisky before you start the tour and you get to keep it. Great day! Later that evening we went to the local pub and had haggis and something else that is a traditional Scottish meal and a good local cider. It was actually really good and really cheap. Eating out in the U.K. is uber expensive.

We went to York the next morning and we saw a lot there. That morning we had a traditional English breakfast, eggs, toast, beans, hash browns, sausage, and bacon. You could tell that it definitely was a farming community by the way the sausages were made and tasted. It was good, but I think I might die of a heart attack if I ate that everyday! One of my favorite places in York was the York Castle Museum that had pretty much the history of society in York, but much emphasis on the women’s life. It was really neat. It showed the evolution of many common household products and how they had changed over the years. There were these older women in there who remembered using some of the original products, scrubbing boards, and such who would come over and tell me about their experiences with it. They were really sweet and reminded me so much of my late grandma. She really would have enjoyed the museum. My next favorite place was the York Minster. It was incredible. Words can’t express the awe and wonder one feels when they step into the grandeur of this neo-gothic cathedral. You really feel how small you are and how grand and glorious, ominous, and majestic God is. Solemnity captures the heart and mind in reverence towards God. I lit a candle and went into one of the side prayer gates and prayed. My heart was heavy that day.

We traveled back to London that night exhausted and went back to our rooms to find we were rooming with more Germans! Oh I didn’t mention, that every night at the “Ritz” we were always paired up with Germans. It was pretty cool…Anyways, we slept in the next day and then went to “St. Arbucks” to pay our tribute to the American saint. Coffee actually wasn’t too expensive there as it is in Germany. I think it is because there is a St. Arbucks on every corner where as in Hamburg, there are two. That day we went to see “A Midsummer’s Night Dream” in the Shakespeare Globe Theatre. The play was absolutely incredible!! The actors were dead on in their timing and downright hilarious. They were familiar with all the little nuances of particularly their characters and in general the way Shakespeare meant this play to go. Fantastic! Had me laughing so hard I was crying. I am so glad we went to the play. I will never forget it.
That night we went to a Tex-Mex restaurant because I have been craving Mexican food forever and I was desparate. The lady assured me it was authentic. I first ordered a pina colada and guess what ?? It came out on the rocks! I couldn’t believe it. I sent it back to be blended. Who ever heard of a pina colada not being frozen?? The food was definitely like eating Mexican food up north. Yankee Mexican food. It was supposed to be enchiladas, beans, and rice. It was tortilla with cheese--no sauce, ranch beans, and yellow rice. AHHHH!! And it was 20 pounds all together which is $40 American. No bueno. Most expensive non-Mexican, Mexican food I have ever had. The lady asked me how it compared because I she knew I was from Texas. I was nice, but honest and told her it was nothing like it at all. She tried to justify it, but I just smiled and said it wasn’t. I think she felt horrible, because the bartender came by with the bill and two free shots. Nothing in Europe is free, so she must have thought we were going to stiff her. For the record we didn’t. It’s not her fault the food isn’t real. I waited tables way too long to do that to any waiter.

Friday, we went to the Tate Modern and Westminster. They were both great. I enjoyed looking at the line of Kings and Queens and reading some of the Latin. I was impressed on this trip with my language skills that because of learning four Latin based languages, I was understanding a good bit of the Latin inscriptions. Later on that night we celebrated with Nathan and this French girl at a little Italian restaurant down the way from the “Ritz”. We said adieu and went to bed early (12) because we had to get up at 3 to catch our flight. We woke up early that morning, checked out, took a cab to the train station, took a train all the way out to Stanstead Airport. We got in line to check in for our flight. (You can only check in online if you are an EU citizen. They are very seclusionistic like that over here. All about the EU. Kind of creepy...) Anyways, after waiting for some time and the line not moving, they closed down our flight for check in. We talked to the people and they wouldn’t check us in, even though we had been there for quite some time. They sent us to the ticket counter. We still had plenty of time to get on the plane, but all the people we talked to were rude and called us liars saying their was no way we were at the right check in desk and they always give last calls, yadda yadda. They didn’t have a flight until Monday and they wanted US to pay extra for it. I was so angry at this point I was laughing. No one had any flights for us and we needed to be home to work. The only flight was with AirBerlin for 189 pounds!!! That is $400 U.S. dollars. AHHH!! We ended up taking the train back into the city, the tube to Kings Cross and taking the Chunnel to Brussels, the train to Cologne, then the Deutsch Bahn to Hamburg, and arriving in Hamburg 14 hours later and out €230 each. A complete nightmare. Needless to say I wrote a letter to Ryanair yesterday demanding a refund for our extra expenses home. Hopefully they will grant it. I am trying to rest in the whole God knows better and is sovereign over everything. The only thing I could think of is that because they don’t check passports on trains, maybe this was His way of smuggling us back into Germany. I don’t know, but it was quite frustrating to end our trip that way. But I was definitely glad to be home. I unpacked, did laundry, and took a long hot shower.

All in all, it was a great trip, a great experience, and I think I might study a semester in Bath.

Life is like a flower in blume

Adena

Two Germans, a Brit, and a Ukrainian playing Baseball. Yes that is a beer bottle for a bat!


Life has been incredibly wonderful the last few weeks. Let me re-phrase that the weather has been perfectly wonderful the last few weeks; and it makes all the difference. I woke up one day and Spring had arrived right under our noses. It had been warm already for 5 days and I was sitting on a bench waiting to take Charli home from school as I looked up and gazed upon the most beautiful cherry blossom tree I have ever seen. The moment felt like out of a movie as time seemed to stand still and I soaked in the beauty and glory of the fuchsia stained blossoms hanging in graceful splendor. Something within my heart just sighs and says yes this is what home feels like. This is what rest feels like. Winter is gone. I can breath with ease once again.

I never thought I would utter or write this phrase, but I miss Texas weather or summer that is. All of you (y’all) in Texas are ready to stone me right now, but it is absolutely true. Hamburg is finally warm, everything has come to life, and the sun is shining for more than a couple of hours in a week. The sun brings back memories that are imbedded to my soul. I listen to familiar music while the sun shines into my window and I can’t help but think about times of jamming out in my car to music while the sun poured in. Or feeling the sun on the back of my neck, a cool breeze rushing by as I watch my kids play in the backyard and the gardener tending the ground; it makes me miss my garden. I even dreamt about my roses last night. I even miss digging in the ground in 100 degree weather because I was determined to plant my roses when I wanted. I know these feelings are nuts, but I lived in Texas for 22 years; however, I never thought I would end up back in Texas, but I feel it calling me home sometimes.

Back to the weather in Hamburg. I truly believe the weather has an extreme influence over people. I watch people come our of their ruts and turn into truly charming people all because the sun has come out. Studies have shown that it doesn’t make a difference chemically to the levels of serotonin in your brain, but I believe behavior analysis would beg to differ. My own experience of observing people and interacting with them in every day life has proven otherwise. I also feel as if I appreciate Spring so much more because it was so nasty for so long, so dreary and dull. As if I didn’t struggle with depression enough without any help. FYI: I am actually doing well as far as depression is concerned.

It also appears like spring in the way events in my life have turned. I didn’t have any friends for so long and it was quite a bit lonely. Then I started going to church and started learning the language better and suddenly things started to progress. Before I knew it I was speaking German and I was busy almost every free day of the week with a social engagement getting to know the hearts of the people I am surrounded with. My life is blooming here. I feel at home at IBC (International Baptist Church). No it’s not my specific cup of tea, but this is where God has me and I love the people. Ministry is beginning to evolve for me here and a desire to see God move amongst the people in Hamburg is strong. I love watching all the different cultures in the church as well. I went to my first International wedding on Saturday and I so didn’t know the people! Everyone was invited and said to come even though I didn’t know them, that it would be a good experience. A German woman married an Indian man. It was a great ceremony.

Check this out. I was in the Stadt Park last Sunday with the Young Adults Group from church. The weather was amazing, the park was beautiful, we were grilling some bratwurst--which is actually really good, and drinking some beer--like every other German! The best part of it was when a couple of people turned an empty beer bottle and a hackey sack into a game of baseball. As the game grew into teams, they realized they didn’t know the rules and so being the good ‘ole American they asked me, so I taught them baseball. I love it! In a park with people from all around the world we played baseball with a beer bottle and a hackey sack switching between English and German with many moments of mix-ups between languages that can only be appreciated by those who have been in such a mixed company. When else can one appreciate when a man from Ghana utters, “Why are we leaving guys? It’s so hell outside.” Hell is the German word for light. So awesome!

This past Thursday was Mai Tag/Vater Tag/Himmel (May Day, Father’s Day, Ascension). All having many purposes for this day. Everyone was off work. Mai tag is a day for workers to have a free day. I had this day off J . Father’s Day is supposedly a celebration of fathers, but all I saw at the Schlosspark (castle) in Reinbek, were a bunch of young kids getting drunk “celebrating” their fathers. I asked them where their dads actually were, and they were like “uh..nach house” (at home). So it is basically an excuse to get drunk; hence the neo-Nazi rallies in downtown Hamburg. Apparently it made the world wide news. I am just waiting for a phone call from my family saying my grandma saw it and says to come home right now. The last reason for the day is celebrating the ascension of Christ into the Heavens (himmel). From what I saw, the day was pretty much a day of kids getting drunk and starting fights with each other. After two hours I was pretty bored with it even though it was gorgeous at the park. So that is father’s day! Every youths dream.

I am heading to London on Thursday. Please pray for safe travels for Adena and me and pray God gives us wisdom and discernment. Neither of us have been there before. We are traveling the hostel route and by train. We are spending five days in London, a day in Bath, a day in Edinburgh, and a day in York. I keep having dreams of getting mugged. Maybe a little paranoia, but prayer never hurts. J …

I feel like so much has happened that I can’t write it all. Please keep in touch and send me email, mail, whatever form of communication is best for you. I miss you guys.

Love,Caroline








Breakfast of Champions- Nutella on a sesame brotchen.

Die Alster- Downtown Hamburg

Downtown- This is my view on the way to school everyday! It's a hard life.

If you look close enough, the bridge is actually the railway I take everyday.

What a crazy Friday!

Oh last Friday, what an exciting crazy filled day. I should have taken the hint from nearly being attacked by a wild pig it was going to be a crazy day.

Yes, I said it. I was nearly attacked by a wild pig. Let me first paint a picture of where I live. Wohltorf is a small town East of Hamburg just south of the river Elbe. In fact it runs right up to our property, I could put my feet in it. Wohltorf is one of those small quiet towns that appear to have nothing happen to it. It’s like Noonday, Texas, nothing happens to this beautiful little lakeside community. Wohltorf is actually the second richest city in Germany to live in--yea I picked ‘em good huh?

So in my sleepy little town that doesn’t have its own post office I went for a walk with our two dogs and the oldest daughter at 4 in the afternoon. It was a gorgeous day and the sun had finally come out after many months of hiding its face. We start out the gate with the dogs and I look to my left and watch the au pair next door letting the police come in. I call out “Alles klar?” Is everything alright? She shrugs that she doesn’t know what is going on. I just laughed because the mistress of that house is notorious for making up wild stories from a tiny portion of truth.
Emily and I headed behind our house where there are many lovely trails crossing over and along the Elbe. About twenty minutes into our walk a man calls out to us. We are at this point in the woods and not many people are around and he looks desperate, but not in a harmful way. He asks, all in German, if we had seen a young man in a black jacket. We said no and told him the direction we had just come from. We run into him a little bit further down the path and he asks for the location of the school and the park. Apparently he was trying to find this young man because he had stolen something from one of our neighbors cars and ran through my next door neighbors backyard. Although a little creeped out by a thief running around, we proceeded ahead.

We turned the corner near the bahn overpass and unaware I kept continuing while Emily stands still and starts to freak out. I see the dogs run off to our left in the brush and begin to taunt this ugly looking beast of an animal. I had no idea what it was--I had never seen something so ugly in my life except on tv. It looked like the massive rodents from Princess Bride. I thought we should just walk away when Emily runs and climbs up a tree. I thought it was absurd and I told her to get down. She told me it was a wild schwein and they could out run us and would eat us. The best thing to do was to climb the tree. So climb the tree I did. I had the two dog leashes and a bag of candy in my hands as I shimmied up this tree to get out of the way of this wild schwein. Eddie came to the base of the tree and began to whine--he is just a 7 month old puppy who has an appetite for my shoes. He’s not the brightest. Easy- the 7 year old dog, begins to get bored and starts swimming in the river. We waited for 5 minutes and it finally had gone away.

We arrived safely at home scared, exhilarated, and with a wonderful story to tell to an over-protective mother, who actually received it with laughter. Our tiny town is not so innocent. There have been several deaths of people falling in the river--this last spring break an old lady of 92 fell in. The Russian mafia actually had a hit out for audi cars and Wohltorf was there main stealing ground. Not the sleepy pocket community of Hamburg as it appears.

Then later that night Adena, the old au pair Maia, and I went to the Reeperbahn, Hamburgs main club strip. I had forgotten that my book had wrote that was the wildest part of town. The street next to it is where you can pick out your prostitute of choice who is sitting in a window. We did not go on that street thankfully. Reeperbahn is like Vegas. Bright lights, loud music, and drunk people everywhere. That is one of the only times I have been insulted for being American. To get into the clubs you either have to pay or have a ticket to get in. People are standing in the pedestrian street picking and choosing who they want to come into the club. You make your way through and choose the best offer you want. Well people somehow knew we were English speakers and automatically started speaking English to us and asking us where we are from. Believe it or not my accent has a bit of a British slant to it because most of the English learnt here is British English. Well, this one guy asked us where we are from and I said the states. He threw his hands up in the air with an gasp of exasperation and walked off. He turned around and made gun noises and a gun gestures with his hands as if he was shooting everyone. Well I had been drinking and I was completely offended so I said “Oh how rude! You don’t even know me!” He then replied “well do you like Obama?” I said yea I do. Then he said “oh, well that makes up for it.”

People here can be really rude that way and they don’t separate the idea of people and the government being different. Sometimes I just want to say I am from South Africa, but many times I want to loudly start singing “And I am proud to be an American…” But I am not ready to get shot and die just yet, so I keep my mouth shut.

Anyways, that night was crazy. To make a long story short, and to not completely expose myself on the internet, Adena and I had a lot of fun, met some fellow southerners from the states, but we drank too much and made complete fools of ourselves. Consequently I have banned myself from the Reeperbahn. Das ist verboten fur mich.

Words of wisdom- don’t go to the Reeperbahn drunk.

Crazy/Funny Things that have happened to me in Germany

*I got locked out on my birthday night and almost had to sleep outside in the freezing cold. That was not fun.

*I was stuck on the Bahn (train) for over 45 minutes one night because some drunk people were on the gleis (the tracks). The police were trying to talk them out of getting them off the tracks. I thought--if we were in Texas, they would have been tasered by now and thrown in jail.

*I was full body checked by an old lady the other day. ( I am not joking. People here don’t really care if you are walking, if you are in their way, they will move you. In grocery stores if you take to long checking out, or really are just standing in line, the person behind you nudges you oh so kindly in the back with their buggy.)

*I quite often see people drinking on the bahn--the craziest is when it is 8 in the morning!! How bad is your life if you are downing a couple of beers before you go to work/school. (They don’t have open container laws here in Germany, people walk around with bottles of vodka and drink from the container. Sometimes it’s a little scary at night when you are the only one on the train and it smells like alcohol before you get inside and there is only one other person….but this is Germany)

*The weather is totally nuts here! One minute rain, then sun, the hail, the sun, the sun and hail, then darkness, then sun and snow. This happened one day in March, it was totally nuts!! When this happens, everyone always says “Ah das ist Hamburg wetter. Komisch” and everyone knows exactly what they mean. I always expect too much out of the weather when it suns, it always disappoints and starts raining when I go outside. Sometimes I think a rain cloud follows me, lol.

*I went to a classical concert the other day with two friends. We saw the Cicinnatti Symphony Orchestra with world renowed pianist Nikolai Lugansky. He played one of the hardest concertos. It was incredible!! He played at the first half and played the most beautiful solo encore. The second half was the orchestra and they played three encores because Hamburgers are known for clapping forever long (yes, they are called Hamburgers J .) We clapped for like 10 minutes straight, my hand hurt so bad!

*The same day Adena and I were coming by train downtown to the Hauptbahnhof (central station) and everywhere we went we were getting hit on left and right. Men in our faces and chasing after us on the station. It was crazy. One pair of guys didn’t get the hint. They asked if we wanted to go dancing (in german of course) I said “Es tut mir leid, wir sprechen kein deutsch.” (Sorry, we don’t speak any German.) (I usually say this when I don’t want to talk to people J .) He kept persisting, saying really I don’t believe you ,come dancing with us. He would leave us be, so I told him “Bitter schon, gehe weg!” (Please, get away!) This is what you tell dogs and animals.

*When we were coming home it was worse, we were getting hit on in every language. I think it was because we were dressed really nice and they all were totally drunk. The soccer game was playing that day, fussball to be correct, and it is a big deal here. People get really drunk and violent… So my words of wisdom, when soccer is playing don’t leave your house.

*On a more fun note, I went to my first German barbecue a few weeks ago. My family has a second house in Jarnsen (small town on the way to Hannover) and there were hunters celebrating their hunting season and we were invited to the party. Adena was spending the weekend with my family and I at their house so we went. It was actually a lot of fun. A bunch of crazy woodsmen, who are actually really well off (financially and educationally), but they looked like the typical small country town German. They were very down to earth and very kind and friendly. They served wild schwein (wild boar) and deer, fabulous potatoe salad (different than our, but OOOhhh soo good!) There was plenty of beer to drink, which I really like German beer, and their were people going around with bottles of fruit liquor and shot glasses. There was a bonfire cooking, what else, but bread. Bread and butter are a staple here, Germans would die without it! The whole party was a lot of fun and the people were so nice to us. It felt like back home when I was a kid when my family used to barbecue all the time.

*Oh, I bought a Justin Timberlake cd for €5! Which is unheard of. I think it was a mistake because most of them were like €17, which is $25, but I grabbed the one from the €5 stack and it is the exact same cd. I thought what a great deal. So Adena and I have been jamming out in the pool to Justin.

Ich war krank...I have been sick.

View outside my window one morning.



Lisa and Charli (respectively)

Bergedorf

I have been sick for the last week, so I have been slacking on my communications. Please don't be offended if I am lagging on writing you. I am horrible as it is and without a steady connection to the internet and being sick, I apologize.

Today I went to an English speaking church with Adena. It is an International Baptist Church (IBC). I really liked it--and I never thought I would say that about a baptist church! Yes, I know The Village is baptist, but it isn't really baptist. Not the East Texas Baptist churches I know. It is run by many people who immigrated from Africa, so you know it has soul! Afterwards they have lunch three of the four services a month and it was really good. We were also invited to this guys house for coffee afterwards with a bunch of people from the young adults group. It was really nice to meet people from all over who speak English and German and whatever other language. The young adults group meets on Tuesday nights for bible study and sometimes games. This works out perfectly for me because that is my night off during the week! Adena is going to come with me too which is amazing because she says church normally bores her and she isn't really religious at all. But she really enjoyed going to church with me and meeting everyone because they were so genuinely kind, warm, and inviting--quite a contrast from the people we meet randomly. This is what the body of Christ should be salt and light in a dark place, warmth where there is cold. It should be said of the body of Christ that they were the ones to whom someone who doesn't know Christ feels most accepted and loved, instead of the common comment, that I often heard at home, that wasn't the case from people who don't know Jesus.

I was riding the bahn (the train) and I just started laughing when I realized I have been trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life and trying to plan it out and position myself when God had just been doing it. All the time in counseling my counselor would ask me "What do you want to do with your life? What are you passionate about? What do you see yourself doing in ten years?" I never could point out anything specific, but I knew the things I would like it to involve. I would respond that I am passionate about people, specifically children. I feel like God has called me to missions, but I don't know what. I love English, but what on earth am I going to do with an English degree. I love to teach and I love to travel to other countries and learn other cultures. Umm, guess what I am doing? ( I laugh so hard when I realize this) I am an Au Pair in Germany---HELLOOOO!! I work with children every day. I am teaching them English and coming up with my own curriculum (it's so fun.) This is definately missional in sharing Christ in such a spiritually dark place. My home is my missions field in that I am called to serve them and show them the love of Christ in everything I do. The people I come in contact with everyday I am called to share Christ with. I am learning German steadily. The lady I work for said she was very impressed with how good my German is for only being here two months. So does this look like everything I am passionate about or what??

God totally has bigger dreams for me than I could ever imagine. I know this, but it is so funny to think that I am in Germany. There are still many days that I sit in awe thinking "How on earth did I get here??" I had no dream or desire to be here, but God obviously did. I don't know what this year holds for me, but I have no doubt of the sovereignty of God in all of it. He planned this all so perfectly--I didn't see it coming. My heart is overwhelmed with God and humbled that he so intimately writes my story and cares to weave my passions into His great plan. It gives me hope after three years of giving up all my dreams and taking up His. It makes me hope even more. That is the crazy thing of being here, I am filled with so much hope-- for things back home and for what God is going to do in my life and through my life. He will not be silent.

I am also writing a whole lot more before and I feel like God has been revealing so much of Himself to me it is like trying to drink from a fire hydrant. I don't know what I am to do with all the writing. I might put it on here as installments. I might send it out to close friends for critique and introspection. I don't know, but I don't feel like it is to be kept to myself.

Over and over again I am so amazed at how God doesn't let me go and still comes after me when I am so foolish enough to chase after my idols. Even though He rescued me once again the week before. My heart is an idol maker and when I don't come to God first to satisfy my heart, doubt crowds in and lies to me, telling me this idol or that idol will satisfy, go ahead and try it. God has been so gracious in rescuing me, even if it is making me sick for a week with the flu. Sometimes I am waiting for Him to say "Caroline, really, again? Have we not been through this all before. I am sorry, you are just going to have to learn the hard way. You have had too many chances." This could be further than what He says. He greets me with "Welcome home! I am so glad to see you again. What do you want to talk about today. No, stop. What are you doing? There is no need for penance. My son's got you covered. Shall we take a walk? The sun is acutally out in Hamburg today and it is quite lovely if I say so myself."---nothing but kindness and love changing my heart to desire Him more than anything else.

Since I have been here I have been struggling with over eating. I wasn't really sure why, but I just never seem satisfied when I ate and always had this fear of starving. --I know ridiculous seeing as I am living with really rich people why should I be starving? I was reading the other day and a light bulb dawned on me. I wrote this about it:

"I have been thinking about my eating disorder. I have a problem wtih eating too much food, eating it too fast, and never feeling satisfied, but overstuffed. I was reading The Wounded Heart and listening to the cds and I began to wonder about this. There was a phrase thaqt caught my attention. Living life on one's own terms is an attempt to avoid relationship with God. The violation of trust and intimacy inflames the determination to live without the pain of unmet longings--and thus live without the raging thirst of a soul that pants for God alone.

The last phrase struck something in me regarding my struggle with eating. My eating so fast is a refusing to feel any hunger. I demand to be full and satisfied. It refuses to acknowledge my need for God to satisfy me alone. I think I need to practice fasting and learn what it feels like to hunger for God. This isn't really a horizontal issue, but rather a vertical one. It is a desire to avoid the reality that we are not home and the peace of Eden has been broken. It also is a lack of hope in God fulfilling all my desires and needs-- not trusting Him once again. So it is great news that I am sick. I believe God to be sovereign in it, to teach my stomach to be empty, but really my heart to hunger for Him alone.".....

It was snowing last week and it was glorious! I will put some picutres on. My girls are so cute.

These are my rambled thoughts. I hope they find you well.