Will surrender ever be easy? No, I think not and it shouldn't be. No one walks into a battle field carrying a white flag before the battle even starts. Fighting commences as one walks on the battle field and only when exhaustion and defeat have set in then the white flag is given in surrender of their position and lives. The white flag also pleads for mercy....

So I was having a rough morning today and I just couldn't shake this feeling of depression/ this feeling of defeat and so I decided to write. The writing might be a little scattered in thought, but I feel like it is an expression of a battle within me. (I mean to write later about my recent events here in hamburg, but I have not yet penned them to a page.)

"I don’t know why, but for some reason I am feeling slightly depressed. I have this unrest about myself and I can’t shake it off. A feeling of defeat flying over my head. I feel defeated in my mastery of German and unable to speak/learn it well. I want to give up in it and return to my familiar English. Maybe I am feeling this way b/c I don’t have an agenda today or the next week. It is not good for me to not have work--I need something in my schedule. I also find myself daydreaming about the future--future jobs, future living situations. Like I would love to go live with the some friends of mine up north in the states and hang out with their family for awhile. I just miss them so much.

I also want to go home and put my roots back in over there. When am I leaving Germany? I don’t know. And it bothers me. I would like to decide sometime soon and not have unrest over it. The question is also when does God want me to leave here, when is my work done here? Am I being selfish in wanting to go home? Is it a plot from the enemy dangling comfort in front of me hoping I will take the bait?

I just don’t feel like I have the strength or ability to learn German. I want to, but it seems so difficult. I don’t have the money to afford a good school, and I feel like I should have learned before I came and it would have been easier. Can I give up now and not hate myself later?

I feel defeat sitting on my chest, just like every time I would go to approach school. I would start out so well and bomb it in the end. It always feels too difficult to continue. Why does it always come to this point?

Maybe I need to fast from facebook and looking at peoples lives from afar. I think it pulls me into their lives, but I am not really there. It makes me miss home too much .

I don’t know. I never know why this happens. Am I looking to other things to satisfy me than God? The answer seems to be yes, but what is it? I have never tried harder to be satisfied by God alone in my life. But the thing is I can’t do it. AHHHHH. People and circumstances do not exist to satisfy me only God can.

God I surrender to you. Everything, my circumstances, my actions, my abilities or lack thereof, my attitude, my strength--that is never good enough, my hope, my affections, everything. I can’t do it God. I can’t live my life day in and day out without you. I need you to sustain me, to give me strength. Left up to myself, I am depressed and hopeless and I make a mess of everything. I surrender my ability to learn German. If it is not perfect, than okay--it’s not perfect. I can’t control that. I will do my best and not give up, but in the end whatever ability or understanding I have comes from you and I trust that it is enough and it is all the understanding I need. I won’t beat myself up over not being perfect. I will not treat your kindness with contempt.

So in writing this I realize that I am holding myself up to unrealistic standards that I cannot meet--say perfection. Not attainable in this lifetime. Oh Caroline, “unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Have I not heard this before :) . How many times will I learn this lesson in this lifetime?--at least a thousand.

'A thousand times I’ve failed
still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I’m caught in your grace.

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise become my embrace
Consume me from the inside out.' "