Bigger than me

I feel the weight of every day life crushing in on me. I fight to keep on going. This is so much bigger than me and everything inside of me screams "this is too much. You're too little and what you are feebly trying to do is so much bigger than you. You'll never make it on your own." ahhh, and this is where I am.

Lord Jesus, I am so small and I blow away at the slightest brush of the wind. I am crushed by the slightest change in pressure. I cannot go forward without You. I need You to cover me and protect me from all that rains in on me, to make my path clear before I even walk it. I need Your strength to get up and believe I can face my day and the challenges ahead of me because You have already fought them. I need Your righteousness and courage to walk in the holiness that You have called me to. I need Your wisdom and shepherd's heart to lead those You have given me the privilege of leading.

I cannot do it on my own. Please don't let me do it on my own.

I have been quite absent from here for a long time. Life has been so ridiculously busy I don't even know where to begin. As soon as I got back from the states everything was busy again with preparations for the holidays, working, helping out at church etc. In January I began my job hunt for a position as an english teacher which amazingly I got! I am a freelance english teacher and I work for several schools.

So then, I had to get all the paper work done to legally work in Hamburg. Let me tell you, if you have never experienced German bureacracy, I advise you not to unless you hate yourself. I think I may have gray hair coming in due to the stress that accompanies paperwork in Germany. They are waaay more invasive than in the states and ask questions I frankly don't think you are allowed to ask in the states. To get my visa I had to get health insurance. To get health insurance I had to have a visa. Anyone see any flaw in this logic? So not only health insurance, but a tax number so I could get paid (amen!). Oh, but before that, my "work plan" (plan to freelance teaching English) had to be submitted to someone in the arbeits amt (work office) to see if they thought my plan would work and I could earn enough money. Unglaublich! I couldn't believe they had to or could do this. Why do they need to approve of whether they think my plan will work? But this is typical German....It's not that they know everything, they just know everything better ;)

Then I had to look for an apartment. I thought I had one taking over a friend's lease who was getting married, but it didn't work out. Apparently the roomate's girlfriend wasn't so keen on a woman living there, oh well... BUT I did find a wonderful place to live! But more on that later....Then I had to register where I am living. Yes, you have to do that in Germany, you have to let them know where you are living. Crazy, huh?

I started Recovery up again in January in the midst of all this chaos and then I started my new jobs in February. This was total chaos. My first day of teaching with training was 9 hours. My first class was a one on one with a beginner with no previous knowledge of english and I had about an hour to prepare 3 teaching hours with her. Then I had an hour between my next class, which was a 2b business english class (so advanced students) and I had two trial students who I needed to impress so they would stay and the class would make. Yeah, I was so exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of the day. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Oh and I painted my apartment that week and moved in that weekend. Thankfully Katrin was teaching for Recovery (just happened to fall on that weekend, wasn't planned), otherwise I don't know what I would have done. God is so good for scheduling things like that. He knows much better than me!

So this is why I have been so silent. I have been busier than none other. Oh and my three closest friends have left the country. Adena is back in Canada, boo, and I miss her so much. I feel a little lost without her. Jan went back to Koeln and Jorma is in Finland right now, but will be moving to the south of Germany to do a DTS with YWAM. So quite a lot of things going on for me right now...

About my living situation! I live in a Christian WG (Wohnen Gemeinschaft) meaning a place where a bunch of people live together, share common areas i.e. kitchen, bathroom, etc. but are only individually response for their rent! The place I am living in is rented out by a Christian organization here and does mission work in parts of the world I should not say. SO I am living in a 6 bedroom flat with 5 roomates (6 including me), one kitchen with only 2 fridges (or to americans mini fridges--fridges here are so small!) and get this, 1 and half bathrooms. THAT'S IT! And you ladies thought the Fry house was rough with 6 women to 3.5 bathrooms and two large american size refrigerators, a dining room, living room, and laundry room. Our washing machine is in our kitchen here...oh how we shouldn't complain when we have it good ;)

I feel like I am living at the Fry house again. I live on a very busy street. The entrance to my apartment building is shared with the official "St. Pauli" soccer bar that blares music all throughout the night when there are soccer games on or when it is the weekend... I am 5 minutes from the Reeperbahn ( The Beattles got there start here), 5 minutes from Sternschanze ( a cool happening place--very college town like with the occasional demonstration and protest) the harbor is a 5 min train ride and very beautiful if you catch the train when the sun is setting or rising, and it is only 10 minutes to the hauptbahnhof( main train station.) You can't get much more centrally located. It is a 5-8 min walk to either U-Bahn station. Pretty cool place. Oh and did I mention the supermarket on the way to my flat is an old "Wal-Mart"? (yes!) Wal-Mart didn't survive in Germany so they were bought out by "Real" (pronounced re-al) What this means is I can find American products!! Wooohooo! Some things are a little bit pricy, but surprisingly many products are the same price as the German products. Although, I have to admit I feel so lost and unable to make decisions with all the options that are in this huge supermarket in comparison to the tiny typical German supermarkets that are the size of the Highland Village Campus Worship area ( I am not even sure they are that big.)

So I am rambling here. I just needed a break from preparing for Recovery this weekend. I was feeling overwhelmed and had an urge to write and it had been awhile...so yeah.

If you want to know how you can pray for me, pray that I push into God every day. That I don't try to live my life without Him. I have never felt so powerless, inept, and unable to live my life before as I do know.( I know this is a good place to be and see, but I am sinful and my ways of dealing with powerlessness are sinful.)

Please also pray that I don't drown or get beaten up by the chaos. That I would surrender to the only one who brings order out of chaos or Who holds me still in the midst of the chaos flying around me. I just need prayers. Protection against the enemy who is attacking so hard this time around with Recovery.

I love you guys and I am glad to be back in communication!

I will try to post more stories soon!