8.13.2008

One Day at a Time

I was just thinking how a year ago I was in Seattle right now doing counseling. It is amazing what a whole year can bring! I feel like a completely different person from a year ago. A complete overhaul has occured. I don't even know how it happened. There was a few months transition, but the change I can't point it out. I think the biggest thing was walking in the reality of my life and all that had happened. It was when I said it was real and I choose to live in truth, walk in the light, that the shame and the heaviness went away. It wasn't too impossible to face. Not with Christ by my side leading the way.

A thought: My whole life I have checked out and created other realities when things were too hard and I didn't think I could do it on my own. Is that what I have been doing with school? Starting out well with God's help, but as I begin to run, I tell God "Tchüss! See you later! I don't need you anymore." Then I quickly see how impossible it is without Him, but foolishly I don't turn to Him and trust Him with my mess. Instead my pride flares up and says "I got it--I'm fine." But then I fail miserably. I have been trying to do it without God's help. He has repeatedly shown me I can't do it without Him, but I am like a dumb sheep and I don't get it the first four years of school, 7 semesters, 28 classes, 100 papers later. Interesting...

He wants all of me--not just parts. Every part of my rebellious heart that refuses to bow down. I guess I still want to be competent and unabhängig, being able to do things well on my own strength. The truth is whatever gifting/strength I have comes from God. Period. I didn't do anything to deserve what I have been given. I am only called to be a good steward of it. They do not give me value or identity. Only Christ can do that.

It is quite opposite thinking from the world that puts you on a piece of paper, i.e. resume, and says yes or no you measure up. I have to realize that in the end it is really God deciding my fate in that the state of that person's heart is in God's hands. "He turns it like channels of water whichever way he wants." So I shouldn't worry about school, degrees, qualifications, etc. I should just live faithfully to today and what he has called me to today. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own."

One day at a time.....

2 comments:

Susan said...

Caroline,
What is your email address? I would like to catch you up on some things but don't want to have it published on your blog...LOL

susan
jjswerner@aol.com

Rachel said...

so when I saw the other comment...I went to go check...and I don't have your email either...I don't know why I thought I did...hmm...anywho...I'll go look at see if it's on your profile, but if not then you can email me anytime...you don't have to if you don't want to...but feel free
= ]
rloughmill@suddenlink.net
I think that's on my profile too.
Talk to you soon!