Here is something I wrote on Monday, July 11th right after finding out about Corban's sickness. It is just my wrestling with what was going on in all of that; God working things out in my heart. I didn't think I would share it at first, but I have had so many conversations about this now that I feel like it would be good to share it. So here it is.


We often search for the ‘why?’ in everything. I definitely know I do. If we could figure it out, then we could understand it, prevent it, see what we did wrong, and go on. In some cases, this is a good thing. But when it comes to understanding pain and suffering, God’s grace and mercy, these are waters that are too deep and complex to analyze as if we could figure out God’s motives in the tenderest happenings in our lives. We are ill fit to understand the mind of God or comprehend his meaning behind the events in our lives and others.

We believe lies that appear to be truth for our situations and try to make them applicable to all situations. For example, in my life, 2 years ago I was engaged to be married and then it ended after 5 months. I learned so much through this experience that was excruciatingly painful. I learned about my idolatry of marriage, my need for control (for the millionth time!) and the lust that still existed in my heart that I thought was gone. It was a mercy that I didn’t get married at that time. But it would be too easy for me to believe that because I didn’t see the idolatry in my heart, control, or lust that that was the reason why God didn’t allow it to work out. As if God only gives me good gifts when I’ve got things figured out or have pure motives. What makes me realize that this isn’t true is, when I think about those who did have idolatry issues of marriage in their heart and they didn’t deal with them until 5, 10, 20 years into marriage; those who still have lust issues and are married. More importantly is the fact that we don’t earn God’s blessings or favor. Jesus did that for us so why do I think I will only have blessings when I am righteous (which my righteousness doesn’t even come from me, but Him!?)

So what does that mean? Yes, God did use a painful situation to redeem things in my life and strip me of what was idolatry in my heart, but that doesn’t mean that He inflicted the pain, nor is it a result of something I did. It is a result of living in a broken world that is affected by sin. No one is immune from it; not even little babies. What God uses in one person’s life, he may use differently in someone else’s. There is no rhyme or reason that we can understand. The beauty of grace, mercy, and the gospel of Jesus is I can’t earn it, control it, or really understand it. I just get to receive it and rejoice in a God who loved me so much that he endured my punishment for me because I could never repay back the debt I owed Him for my sin against him.

So in my search for trying to understand why-- especially with Corban being born having Leukemoid reaction and Down syndrome—is just the same. I will never been able to understand why beyond the fact that I live in a broken world and no one is immune from the effects of sin. Babies are not supposed to be born sick. I am grateful for my sweet friends who have validated my anger and hurt I feel at him being born so severely sick. I have feared getting too wrapped up in my anger that I can’t see what is true. At the heart of my anger there is rage that wants to protect this little baby who is defenseless and hurt that this happened, but what really lies behind this is an accusation to God of how dare you let this little baby suffer like this. Are you protecting him? How did you let him be born like this?

What I do know to be true when I calm down and let God’s peace wash over me is that God is good, He weeps more than I could ever weep for this little baby—which has been a lot in the last 24 hours—and that He can protect him better than I can, and that this little baby is His. I love Karla’s prayer last night. She prayed that Nina would know that God is not a baby thief. Everything we have is His and He loves us much more than we do and He wants what is best much more than we do. Though I don’t understand why this happened and why God allowed it, I do know that He has this situation in His hands. He hasn’t checked out and He will do what is best. I am believing for full healing of Corban for the Lord’s glory. And at the same time, if he isn’t healed, I will praise His name through tears and weeping, trusting that God is still good.

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