Ich war krank...I have been sick.

View outside my window one morning.



Lisa and Charli (respectively)

Bergedorf

I have been sick for the last week, so I have been slacking on my communications. Please don't be offended if I am lagging on writing you. I am horrible as it is and without a steady connection to the internet and being sick, I apologize.

Today I went to an English speaking church with Adena. It is an International Baptist Church (IBC). I really liked it--and I never thought I would say that about a baptist church! Yes, I know The Village is baptist, but it isn't really baptist. Not the East Texas Baptist churches I know. It is run by many people who immigrated from Africa, so you know it has soul! Afterwards they have lunch three of the four services a month and it was really good. We were also invited to this guys house for coffee afterwards with a bunch of people from the young adults group. It was really nice to meet people from all over who speak English and German and whatever other language. The young adults group meets on Tuesday nights for bible study and sometimes games. This works out perfectly for me because that is my night off during the week! Adena is going to come with me too which is amazing because she says church normally bores her and she isn't really religious at all. But she really enjoyed going to church with me and meeting everyone because they were so genuinely kind, warm, and inviting--quite a contrast from the people we meet randomly. This is what the body of Christ should be salt and light in a dark place, warmth where there is cold. It should be said of the body of Christ that they were the ones to whom someone who doesn't know Christ feels most accepted and loved, instead of the common comment, that I often heard at home, that wasn't the case from people who don't know Jesus.

I was riding the bahn (the train) and I just started laughing when I realized I have been trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life and trying to plan it out and position myself when God had just been doing it. All the time in counseling my counselor would ask me "What do you want to do with your life? What are you passionate about? What do you see yourself doing in ten years?" I never could point out anything specific, but I knew the things I would like it to involve. I would respond that I am passionate about people, specifically children. I feel like God has called me to missions, but I don't know what. I love English, but what on earth am I going to do with an English degree. I love to teach and I love to travel to other countries and learn other cultures. Umm, guess what I am doing? ( I laugh so hard when I realize this) I am an Au Pair in Germany---HELLOOOO!! I work with children every day. I am teaching them English and coming up with my own curriculum (it's so fun.) This is definately missional in sharing Christ in such a spiritually dark place. My home is my missions field in that I am called to serve them and show them the love of Christ in everything I do. The people I come in contact with everyday I am called to share Christ with. I am learning German steadily. The lady I work for said she was very impressed with how good my German is for only being here two months. So does this look like everything I am passionate about or what??

God totally has bigger dreams for me than I could ever imagine. I know this, but it is so funny to think that I am in Germany. There are still many days that I sit in awe thinking "How on earth did I get here??" I had no dream or desire to be here, but God obviously did. I don't know what this year holds for me, but I have no doubt of the sovereignty of God in all of it. He planned this all so perfectly--I didn't see it coming. My heart is overwhelmed with God and humbled that he so intimately writes my story and cares to weave my passions into His great plan. It gives me hope after three years of giving up all my dreams and taking up His. It makes me hope even more. That is the crazy thing of being here, I am filled with so much hope-- for things back home and for what God is going to do in my life and through my life. He will not be silent.

I am also writing a whole lot more before and I feel like God has been revealing so much of Himself to me it is like trying to drink from a fire hydrant. I don't know what I am to do with all the writing. I might put it on here as installments. I might send it out to close friends for critique and introspection. I don't know, but I don't feel like it is to be kept to myself.

Over and over again I am so amazed at how God doesn't let me go and still comes after me when I am so foolish enough to chase after my idols. Even though He rescued me once again the week before. My heart is an idol maker and when I don't come to God first to satisfy my heart, doubt crowds in and lies to me, telling me this idol or that idol will satisfy, go ahead and try it. God has been so gracious in rescuing me, even if it is making me sick for a week with the flu. Sometimes I am waiting for Him to say "Caroline, really, again? Have we not been through this all before. I am sorry, you are just going to have to learn the hard way. You have had too many chances." This could be further than what He says. He greets me with "Welcome home! I am so glad to see you again. What do you want to talk about today. No, stop. What are you doing? There is no need for penance. My son's got you covered. Shall we take a walk? The sun is acutally out in Hamburg today and it is quite lovely if I say so myself."---nothing but kindness and love changing my heart to desire Him more than anything else.

Since I have been here I have been struggling with over eating. I wasn't really sure why, but I just never seem satisfied when I ate and always had this fear of starving. --I know ridiculous seeing as I am living with really rich people why should I be starving? I was reading the other day and a light bulb dawned on me. I wrote this about it:

"I have been thinking about my eating disorder. I have a problem wtih eating too much food, eating it too fast, and never feeling satisfied, but overstuffed. I was reading The Wounded Heart and listening to the cds and I began to wonder about this. There was a phrase thaqt caught my attention. Living life on one's own terms is an attempt to avoid relationship with God. The violation of trust and intimacy inflames the determination to live without the pain of unmet longings--and thus live without the raging thirst of a soul that pants for God alone.

The last phrase struck something in me regarding my struggle with eating. My eating so fast is a refusing to feel any hunger. I demand to be full and satisfied. It refuses to acknowledge my need for God to satisfy me alone. I think I need to practice fasting and learn what it feels like to hunger for God. This isn't really a horizontal issue, but rather a vertical one. It is a desire to avoid the reality that we are not home and the peace of Eden has been broken. It also is a lack of hope in God fulfilling all my desires and needs-- not trusting Him once again. So it is great news that I am sick. I believe God to be sovereign in it, to teach my stomach to be empty, but really my heart to hunger for Him alone.".....

It was snowing last week and it was glorious! I will put some picutres on. My girls are so cute.

These are my rambled thoughts. I hope they find you well.